Cause for Celebration

Terry Schiavo and Johnny Cochran died this week. Is this cause for celebration, or am I just relieved that I'll be hearing less in the news about one and nothing ever again from the other for the rest of my life?

Though I feel for the families, I'd like to take a moment and do my little "yeah, it's over" dance. (Hippity hop, left kick, shuffle shuffle, wiggle, right kick, bump, grind, biting lower lip.)

One less celebrity lawyer for us to see soiling the already-sewered popular psyche, and one less vegetable totally unaware of the political firestorm she (and her parents) created by not having a living will.

Let us all learn from them... and wish them well in the afterlife.

Falwell Near Death; Hell Makes Room

Though his respirator has been removed and he's been upgraded to "critical" condition, the Reverend Jerry Falwell remains in the hospital with congestive heart failure and fluid in his lungs. Meanwhile, far below, the minions of hell are making ready his state room.

"He's a glutton for punishment," diabolical cruise director and type two demon, Julie McCoy, said, "quite literally. A man of his size and indiscretions takes a lot of coordination if you want to treat him right. We've got big plans for Mr. Falwell, from a celebrity-filled gala welcome dinner including being roasted by Ronald Reagan and Joe McCarthy, to a 'This is Your Life' retrospective with highlights on his gross misunderstanding of the New Testament and all the people he's directly or indirectly hurt over the past seventy years."

Bros. Chaps Exploit Mitch

Turns out that our guy, Mitch, has been getting around. He appears in this week's Strong Bad installment -- or at least a close facsimile of him appears.


They did a pretty good job of reproducing his likeness in the Limozeen Saturday morning cartoon show as "Mitch Overlord" down to the iron jaw and mechanical claw hand. Our Mitch also walks around with a red circa 1992 telephone in his "good" hand.

A special thanks for all the laughs to Homestarrunner.

Turner-Phelps Turn Republican

That's right, we're switching teams.
Stay tuned for all the blood, guts, sensibly conservative attire, and fiscal responsibility you can stand... even if it is for only one week.

Leaders of Midwest Urge Syria to Leave Lebanon

Fearing further destabilization of the region, leaders of the Midwest states urged Syria to remove its troops from Lebanon, Kentucky, "before the shit hits the fan" as Tenessee governor Phil Bredesen put it. The state leaders are responding to President Bush's recent insistence that Syria has troops in the Kentucky township and is intent on seeing them removed.

"This is nonnegotiable. It is time to get out," President Bush told the New York Post this week. "I don't think you can have fair elections with Syrian troops there."

Several Kentucky legislators are asking what elections the President is referring to. "We just had elections in November," Senior State Representative and local still owner Orin Anzelmo said. "I think he's off his nut."


Michigan Governor Aziz Weisenthal (right) flew to Damascus Friday to urge Syrian President Bashar Assad (left) to remove Syrian troops from Lebanon, Kentucky, despite protests from state fiscal watchdog groups who claim Weisenthal abuses his use of the offical governor's airplane, "UP1."

Kentucky Derby Winner a Homeland Security Threat?

In an unprecedented move toward freeing Lebanon, Kentucky, from what President Bush calls "the death grip of the totalitarian Syrian regime," the office of Homeland Security established a Free-Lebanon task force and began cracking down on all foreign travel and business activity in Kentucky. State officials are flabbergasted.

(CBS Sports) Toronto-born jockey Stewart Elliott, winner of last year's Kentucky Derby and Preakness aboard Smarty Jones, was arrested and detained Tuesday by American immigration officials. Elliott, 39, was taken into custody by U.S. Immigrations and Customs Enforcement agents at Philadelphia International Airport because he pleaded guilty to a felony assault four years ago.

Stewart Elliott won the Kentucky Derby and Preakness. Although Homeland Security spokesman Manny Van Pelt stated Elliott "is not here illegally," immigration law stipulates aliens with felony convictions are subject to removal from the U.S.

Bush Demands Syria Leave Lebanon

ARNOLD, Md. (AP) - President Bush on Wednesday demanded in blunt terms that Syria get out of Lebanon, saying the free world is in agreement that Damascus' authority over the political affairs of its neighbor must end now.

"Everyone knows," The President said, "that only the US reserves the right to exert its authority over its neighbors."
He went on to say that since Lebanon is a township in Kentucky, "Syria has no right to occupy the Bluegrass State."

Noting that his favorite blogger, Mitch, is from Lebanon, GW turned to the camera and said, "We won't leave you behind, Mick. If Syria doesn't get out of Lebanon, we'll send troops to Kentucky."

Stay tuned: Kentucky Braces for Liberation.