Missing Turner Masterpiece Resurfaces

Newark (Reuters) - A watercolor by T/P master artist Turner not seen in public for more than a week and listed as lost goes on sale next week with a price tag in excess of 50 cents (.25 British pounds). Not to be confused with the recently resurfaced lost masterpiece, Bamborough Castle by JMW Turner, Smeared Colours by T/P's Turner is not generating much buzz among art experts.

Described by The Autistic Graphic Society in 2007, shortly after it was painted, as "one of the finest watercolor drawings by someone barely functioning as a primate" Smeared Colours has not been on the open market since last week when it went for a then record .10 pounds (20 US cents).

Rumors over the weekend said it passed privately into the hands of the American Walton dynasty and disappeared from public view by Monday, being listed in a Tuesday Children's Art catalogue as "untraced".

Experts disagree on what the painting depicts, mainly saying that it is either a colorized version of the sort of smearing one would see on the walls of a chimpanzee cage or it is a castle high on a cliff on the northern English coast in the 19th century in the middle of a violent storm which has driven a ship onto the rocks.

China's Forgery Complaint a Forgery

Experts have determined that China's formal international complaint against a German museum for displaying "fake" terra cotta warriors was generated using pirated software. As the country with the highest rate of intellectual property piracy and copyright violation, it was no surprise to World Court investigators to find out that the forms used by China to file their complaint against the Hamburg Museum of Ethnology were generated using an unregistered copy of "World Court Forms Plus" that had been downloaded illegally from a pirate software site located somewhere in Indonesia.

If anyone is going to start WW3, it will be Bush

Never have we looked so good as when we were coming to the rescue of our European allies in WWI and again twenty-three years later, with the added perspective of defending ourselves from "the godless yellow hoardes" that attacked us in the Pacific, unprovoked, in WWII. Since then it's been downhill, from a public relations perspective.

We almost gained it back in 2002 when we "retaliated" against Afghanistan's Taliban for their support of the 9/11 terror attackers. But we flushed that golden moment, along with the lives of over three thousand American troops, when we turned our attentions, under false pretenses, to Iraq. Now, the only way the Bush administration thinks we can regain our moral highground is by coming to the rescue once again during WWIII.

He keeps saying that if Iran gets nuclear weapons, it will cause WWIII. What he means is that if Iran becomes militarily powerful in the Middle East, he (Bush) will start WWIII to "put them in their place" or as they did in Iraq, bomb them into the Stone Age. If we look at it rationally, the dangerous rhetoric isn't flowing from Iran. Other than remarks that they will defend themselves if attacked (who wouldn't?), Iran hasn't done much regarding posturing for war. But the Bush administration, has done everything in it's power to prepare us for "an unavaoidable war" while scaring and provoking the Middle East with the same sabre rattling.

Bush is being pressured, I'm sure, by the Industrial Military Complex. Of course they would want a war.

War = more products ordered = dead people = stocks go up.

Not funny, so here's a little comparison to brighten your day:

Secrets to testifying before your state senate

If you're like me, you often find yourself presenting to or testifying before some state senate committee or another. Often it's a bother, a nuisance, or an attempt to delay the inevitable fraud and contempt charges that your arch nemesis, Senator Richard "Stonepiles" Schucker swore in college to use someday to destroy you. (You shouldn't have slept with his homecoming date.)

Though not as high profile as testifying before the U.S. Senate, your state senate can still be rather nerve wracking. I've compiled the following short list of tips you can follow to make the experience as stress-free as possible.

Tips for Addressing Your State Senate

1. Choose your words carefully. State senators, like their distant cousins the U.S. senators, are almost all lawyers. And although this means they are soulless, shameless, and salacious, it also means they're really really good at parsing words and twisting the meaning of what you're saying into a lightning rod they can use for a sound byte that will get them face time in the local newspaper.
2. Don't be nervous. State senators put their pants on one leg at a time, just like you. Albeit, they're usually already roaringly drunk when they finally drag themselves, pantless, into their state capital offices around 10:30 AM.
3. Don't be intimidated. They work for you, the taxpayer. If they get snide or heavy-handed with you, stay calm by remembering that you've never debased yourself by blowing a campaign donor, the way they undoubtedly have.
4. Mentally disarm them. Picture the senator in his underwear. Or, more accurately, picture the senator in his underwear with a senate page, in his underwear, sitting on the senator's lap.
5. Never let them see you sweat. State senators drink the sweat of civilians, the way dung beetles suck moisture from balls of manure, and will pounce at the first sign of perspiration. Before giving a senate presentation, cover your entire body with anti-perspirant, head to toe. Ban roll-on sport strength is a favorite among lobbyists. I recommend unscented.
6. Nail your nemesis. Do a little research and put him or her in a personally compromising position. For example, more than once I've found myself pounding the podium with my shoe and barking, "Yeah, I may be losing my hair now, Senator Schucker, but at least I wasn't bald at twenty-three LIKE YOU! You're not fooling anyone with that comb-over!"