TURNER | PHELPS

It's Been Fun, but...

2009-01-09T12:51:00.004-07:00

What's in store for January 19th?

2009-01-05T08:48:00.002-07:00

George's Itinerary for his last day at the Whitehouse. A fine farewell for the longest, hardest job he ever held.

06:00 AM - Go for last D.C. jog.
07:00 AM - Be resident president mixoligist for mimosa's on the lawn for early breakfast.
08:00 AM - Help Laura "pack up the special extra stuff" around the house.
09:30 AM - Throw "planning brunch" for presidential library. Bloody marys. Remember names of execs from:

Halliburton
Blackwater
Northrup Grumman
Lockheed Martin

10:30 AM - Say goodbye to the household staff who were nice to me.
10:35 AM - Say goodbye to the Whitehouse Press Corps. DO NOT MOON THEM.
10:45 AM - Call literary agent for status on memoirs pitch to publishers.
11:00 AM - Oval Office: Take a BM on the constitution one last time while reading Bill Kristol's editorial in The Weekly Standard.
11:30 AM - Freshen up. Have a scotch.
12:00 PM - Lunch with the full cabinet.
01:00 PM - Drinks with Condie and Karl. DON'T MAKE MOVE ON CONDIE, EVEN IF IT'S YOUR LAST CHANCE.
01:30 PM - With C and K, call Putie and give him a piece of your mind. (Might impress Condie.)
02:00 PM - Walk the dog. Photo op of last day at WH great for memoirs and maybe Barbara Walters piece.
02:30 PM - Have a scotch. Take a nap.
04:30 PM - Freshen up. Irish coffee.
05:30 PM - Reception at the Republican Congressional Caucus. DON'T CALL THEM PUSSIES.
06:30 PM - Dinner with Laura, Jenna, Barb, Mom and Poppy.
08:30 PM - One last ride in Marine 1 to Kennebunkport. JUST FOR THE WEEKEND.
09:30 PM - Get plastered on Poppy's scotch.
11:30 PM - Pass out on guest bed with shoes on.

Counting down to magic day

2008-12-10T21:28:00.004-07:00

Come on, Santa! Deliver that sackful of Jack Daniels to the White House early so that George will be too occupied to do anymore damage. He tried for eight years to destroy America as we know it, and he failed.

Who cares who he pardons or whose sentences he commutes between now and Jan. 20? As long as he's not invading another country for artificial reasons, redefining executive powers or ruining our reputation abroad, the country is safe.

Who Wants Dick in Jail?

2008-11-20T15:39:00.003-07:00

With a grand jury indictment in Southern Texas for "profiteering from depriving human beings of their liberty," Dick Cheney has a chance, if a judge doesn't dismiss the charges, of going to jail for his partial ownership of a private prison company. We ask, who benefits from this?

His cell mate. Despite being from the ranch country of Wyoming, years of government service and living the cushy CEO life has turned the once tough Cheney into a deliciously soft and physically weak plaything. Without his secret service detail or hardened BlackWater operatives to protect him, Cheney is like a big, warm, soft marshmallow for the taking. Just don't startle him when you slide over to his bunk, because he's got a weak ticker.
Disgruntled employees at The Vanguard Group. "Now we can give him a taste of his own medicine," one Vanguard prison guard, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said. "Let's see how he likes not getting fish sticks on Friday because of 'budget cuts' or having to work on Christmas Day."
The world. Knowing that Dick Cheney is quietly writing his memoirs behind bars instead of plotting evil in an undisclosed command center will allow the whole world to breathe a sigh of relief.

When asked about his indictment, he was heard to curse then say, "Who's a guy gotta shoot in the face to get outta this mess?"

A Mouthful from Sergio

2008-11-19T16:40:00.006-07:00

The CEO of Fiat SpA, Sergio Marchionne, may not have realized that he said the most profound truth so far in our world-wide financial crisis when he said, "Either (aid) is for everyone or for no one." Bailing out a targeted business sector or a handful of institutions is not going resolve the issue.

Of course, the journalists who reported this quote failed to include that it was in reference to him asking his Nonna Sophia to pass the rigatoni during Sunday dinner.

"Hey, nonna! Che cosa? Why you no passa the rigatoni? I'm a growing boy. I've gotta the car company to run. Either you passa the rigatoni around to everyone, or you no passa to anyone."

Not Another Czar!

2008-11-13T11:17:00.003-07:00

An Obama aide said Thursday that the president-elect is weighing the idea of assigning czar to help return the distressed auto industry to health.

Hey, present and upcoming politicians, know what would return the auto industry to good health? Give bailout money to Americans, so they can go buy a car.

Stop throwing money at failed corporations that have proven they can't manage it (AIG, Amex, Bear Sterns).

Besides, what would another czar do other than give us a stylish beard or invent new methods for livestock fornication?

Post-election Headlines

2008-11-05T09:40:00.006-07:00

California -- With the national elections over, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi turned her attention to her home state. There, she hopes to get legislation passed broadening the definition of marriage to include, "...between a man and the consenting barnyard animal of his choice."

Maryland -- Vice president-elect Joseph Biden was rushed to the naval hospital in Bethesda, Wednesday, for dog bite wounds and burns. "He set his hellhounds on me," the Pennsylvania politician said as his gurney was wheeled into the emergency room, referring to the 3-headed, sulfur-born Rottweiler Dick Cheney summoned to guard the vice presidential bunker from "those dirty Dems.".

Washington, DC -- George Bush completed and mailed-in the formal paperwork nominating himself for a Nobel Peace Prize, despite a standing reply to "don't even bother" from the board of the Geneva-based foundation.

Waco -- Thousands of stunned Texans gathered in the streets the day after the presidential election, anticipating the advent of End Times with their immediate rapture. By the end of the day, sunburned and dehydrated, they were still standing there.

London -- Frustrated by going two months without being in the news, author JK Rowling shocks fans around the world by announcing that her character Hagrid, the Hogwarts gamekeeper, is transgendered and will pursue a sex change in the epilogic book she's writing titled, "Rubeus Hagrid and the Snip-Snip Tuck Unders."

A collective sigh of relief

2008-11-04T23:31:00.002-07:00

Recent poll shows public confused by polls

2008-10-28T11:22:00.005-06:00

The latest Reuterz/C-SPUN/Zobgy poll is out with results showing considerable confusion among people who pay attention to polls. According to some national polls, within the span of three days, Obama has held a 5-point, 12-point, 8-point, 72-point and 4-point lead, respectively over McCain, and it's confusing the general public.

"The problem," states independent pollster, Ivan Zobgy, "is that we only poll the same six people, dropping the lowest numbers from the previous poll and adding the highest of the latest. Plus, we poll this collection of stay-at-home television viewers three or four times a day." This leads to some wide variations in polling results from day to day, he added, depending on what shows they're watching.

The six self-described couch potatoes say that although Zobgy does not compensate them to answer the polling questions, the importance they feel in representing the opinions of the entire nation is payment enough.

Stevens Vows to Fight

2008-10-28T08:13:00.002-06:00

After being found guilty on seven counts of corruption, Senator Ted Stevens vowed Monday to return to Alaska to fight the injustice and clear his name. While there, he also plans to devour his enemies and utterly crush the fragile Alaskan environment. "They created me," Stevens burbled from a pool of sludge, waving his monstrous tentacles at oil man, Bill Allen and other energy executives. "Their greed for power and indifference towards nature has turned me into the weapon of their own destruction."

Stevens, seen here in Anchorage's Cannery Row.

Elderly McCain Supporters Bullied and Intimidated by Obama Crowd

2008-10-27T12:43:00.003-06:00

Durango - reliable eyewitnesses at John McCain's rally in Durango, CO, Friday the 24th, expressed anger and disgust at being shouted at and intimidated by raucus Obama fans in attendance with the express intention of disrupting the rally. An elderly couple from nearby Vallecito were jostled, yelled at and told to "shut up, old man" by young men wearing Obama shirts and holding Obama signs.

Now, hold on, people. That's not how we do things in America. Chant your slogans and wave signs, but don't intimidate people you assume don't agree with you. This isn't Uganda, it's the USA, and regardless of how passionate you feel about your candidate, you can't frighten people.

WWBD? That's definitely not it. The next time you Obama supporters (or McCain fans) are face to face with someone who doesn't agree with your politics, ask yourself,"What Would Barack Do?" The answer is clear: calm, informed, reasonable discussion. Grow up.

If you won't listen to us, then please listen to sheriff Andy Taylor

2008-10-24T15:19:00.007-06:00

Ron Howard is taking a stand and it's a funny-but-poignant look at this presidential election. If anyone can reach the elderly white folks who fear change, it's got to be Andy Griffith. Who better represents them and their small town sensibilities than the venerable and trustworthy sheriff Andy Taylor? Watch it.

The real clincher would be to bring Deputy Barney Fife and Ralph Malph into the mix with a rousing debate about the merits of change. Ralph could ignore Deputy Fife's desperate pleas for change by making dumb jokes and doing lame sight gags, until Barney snaps, puts his one bullet in his pistol and shoots Ralph in the gut.

Or maybe show Joanie Cunningham and Chachi Arcola all grown up, talking about their children's futures. If they played it true, though, Joanie would have a black eye. We all knew that Chachi was a hot head.

RollingStone's 5 Myths about John McCain

2008-10-23T15:24:00.008-06:00

Listen to Tim Dickinson (contributing editor to Rolling Stone) describe 5 Myths about John McCain

Myth #5 - He's a Washington Outsider
Myth #4 - He was a "top gun" pilot
Myth #3 - He was the central hero of the POW camps
Myth #2 - He is a straight-talking reformer
Myth #1 - He Puts Country First

Facing facts about the presidential race

2008-10-21T13:04:00.006-06:00

The growing agitation in the tone of rhetoric coming from both sides is starting to affect us. It feels like we are more polarized now than perhaps since the Civil War. Cries that Obama is an extremist bent on destroying our country or that McCain is erratic and certain to drive us to doom are signs of some deeper desperation.

We should take a moment to set aside our differences and examine this underlying issue. We can't argue over the merits of steering the boat north versus south if the hole in the hull is going to sink us. Let's see to the hole first and then worry about the direction. The question is: what is the hole?

This is bigger than our current financial crisis. It's beyond left vs. right. There is something else eating away at us and we need to address it, come to terms with it, and know the problem so that we can either fix it or learn to live with it. The water is boiling and the pressure is building. We need to vent the steam before someone gets burned.

The American psyche is a palpable thing, easily played upon and easily turned away from the big picture. We Americans wear blinders and often focus on one thing at a time, that being whatever we convince our collective self to be most important. Our minds are consumed by the soup du jour of political issues, celebrity news, sports, or anything we feel immediately affects our daily lives.

Here are some facts we should face. Regardless who wins the race to the Whitehouse,

America will continue more or less the same as it has over the past 140 years. There will be ups and there will be downs and the USA of today will not be the USA of 2050. Like our own mortality where life is just a journey toward an obvious terminus, America is going somewhere and we're along for the ride.
The economy will recover and, sadly, before long we won't remember the crash of 2008 as anything more than a footnote.
People will still claim to see UFOs, Bigfoot, and Liza Minella when they're out in the wilderness alone.
We will still have enemies and we will still have allies, and those relationships will experience small and large changes along the way.
Culture is never a constant and never will be a constant. Though values and principles change slower than other popular tastes, they still change. How you define America is not how your parents defined her and will not be how your children define her.
Politicians on both sides of the aisle will continue to find ways to abuse their power, break the rules of propriety, perform immoral acts and love their country like no other all the way to the next election.
The principles of freedom and equality will always be a part of America, but they have changed in the past and they will change in the future. Call it fine-tuning or a blurring of boundaries, the freedoms we embrace today may not be the same freedoms we embrace tomorrow.

We admit that Turner/Phelps is not a fair playing field. We use satire and absurdity and sometimes a veiled meanness to make light of current issues. But as we draw close enough to the 2008 elections to count the distance in days, not weeks, it's getting more difficult to find anything funny out there.

A hatred is growing that is dividing this great nation. It is a hole in the hull of our ship. And we need to patch it before the sea comes rushing in.

McNasty Still Fear Mongering

2008-10-17T08:13:00.008-06:00

Yesterday, the day after the last presidential debate where the topic of negative advertising held center stage, we come home to more negative ads from McCain/Palin and the RNC on the answering machine. No joke here. If this isn't a classic example of fear-mongering, T/P doesn't know what is. Look Out! Obama is a terrorist and his thoughts are "extreme!"

If the player doesn't display, right-click the following links and Save Target As to access the audio file:

WAV File of voicemail
MP3 File of voicemail

Religulous Review

2008-10-13T08:27:00.009-06:00

Bill Maher's new anti-religion movie "Religulous" is a must see. Phelps gives it 4.5 Stars of David out of 5. The up-side: it's hilarious. The downside: director Larry Charles filmed Maher in profile for almost half the movie. It got to the point where the viewer spends more time thinking about Maher's nose and how disproportionately large his head is to his body than what he was saying. But that was a minor detail. Minor.

For Turner/Phelps, though, the important point is that we've been there and done that. From Phelps speaking publicly about the foolishness of literal Biblical interpretation, to Turner's Grammy nomination for "Best hymn sung by a grilled cheese sandwich," T/P beats Hollywood to the punch, again.

Religulous website, 2008 / TurnerPhelps blog, 2004
Still, damn, Maher's a got a big head. It's like Ted Kennedy big. Or Karl Rove.

Immaculate Shark Sign of End Times

2008-10-10T12:48:00.004-06:00

This is it. Show's over folks. I'm certain somewhere in the section of Revelation about the oceans boiling and the four horsemen wreaking havoc, John described sharks having virgin births as a tell tale sign of the End Times. It was something about the Holy Spirit getting all Troy McClure with the fishes of the sea and opening the seventh gate.

Nostradamus was more specific when he described in several quatrains how "one Rich'ard, son of Bran, shall lay with the toothy blue tip, and by his seed, as the Lord did with Maria, bring holy shark unto the sea..."

(A fitting subject for our 666th blog entry.)

Kash and Hari Kari

2008-10-06T12:45:00.002-06:00

Who should we tag for oversite of the bailout money?

How about a veteran Goldman Sachs banker? Yeah. Yeah. That's a good idea. Heck, we shouldn't worry about giving the key to the meat locker to one of the hyenas. That's not a disaster in the making. Who knows meat better than hyenas?

And for humorous effect, its great that they picked a guy whose name looks an awful lot like Cash & Carry.

Sarah Palin's Debate Flowchart

2008-10-06T10:19:00.004-06:00

This is a hoot.

Check out Sarah's thought process in the debate through this funny flowchart created by the very talented Aden Nak.

Cheney Most Dangerous

2008-10-03T08:27:00.002-06:00

Tell us something we didn't already know.

WaMu: SNAFU

2008-09-26T07:57:00.003-06:00

WaMu crashed today under the weight of enormous debt, fiscally risky investments and the combined salaries of twenty venerable Brooks Brothers-clad East Coast bankers who stood in the bank's lobby doing absolutely nothing.

Khaki-pantsed spokesman, Jerry Johnson, shrugged when asked about the economic decision to keep the bankers on staff for over twenty years each, with extravagant bonuses and above-market stock options. "Customers seemed to like them," he said, "and enjoyed their antics. Especially that day they came to work naked."

Plain Blaine Aims for Mundane

2008-09-25T17:44:00.002-06:00

After spending a not-quite harrowing 60 hours safely suspended upside down from a secure scaffold, illusionist David Blaine ended his "magic trick" by being removed from his harness by his seasoned union riggers to the yawns of the crowds who were hoping for more from his touted "dive of death."

Once he was certain his check from ABC had been cashed, Blaine made an obligatory appearance on Live With Regis and Kelly, where he announced that his next death-defying stunt would be to sit on a chair for seven days.

"It will be a rickety chair," he cautioned.

Vote Republican! (If you want)

2008-09-24T09:09:00.006-06:00

Feeling uncomfortable because your liberal home is surrounded by McCain/Palin signs? Want to stand out in a sea of Obama/Biden signs?

Here's your chance to be different by making people look twice and maybe think twice, too. Turn your neighbors' sensibilities on their ear with this message:

Vote RepublicanIf you want:

Home values to fall even more.
Dozens more banks to fail.
The price of gas to stay sky high.
Another 4,000+ soldiers and thousands of innocent civilians to die in artificial wars.

Get this clever-but-socially-responsible yard sign here.

Trafficking in Politics

2008-09-24T07:04:00.008-06:00

What's the difference between Democrats and Republicans? The answer can be seen in the way we drive and manage our roads.

Merging into traffic

Democrats are aware of the needs of others and make room for traffic that is trying to merge from the on ramp.
Republicans ignore merging traffic or speed up, forcing mergers to slam on their brakes to get in behind the Republicans.

Posted limits

Democrats believe in reasonable-but-regulated speed limits to ensure safe travels and fuel conservation.
Republicans don't like the government reigning them in and keeping them from going as fast as they want, regardless of risk or wastefulness.

Speed bumps near playgrounds

Democrats accept the inevitability that careless children run into the streets--chasing balls, playing tag, riding bikes--so traffic should be mandatorily slowed to protect them.
Republicans believe that once a few children have been run over, concerned parents will monitor the way their own kids play and self-regulate. As for the kids whose parents both work and can't be home to protect them: fuck 'em.

Alternatives

Democrats encourage alternative modes of transportation and support the installation of bike lanes and hike & bike trails along thoroughfares.
Republicans counter alternative transportation with bumper stickers that say, "Want a bike lane? Move to Europe!" and "Not in my back yard."

Buses and trains

Democrats believe that those who can't afford a car of their own should have access to a publicly funded rapid transit system.
Republicans believe that if you can't afford a car you should walk.

Tyler Perry's Blog on Tyler Perry

2008-09-17T10:21:00.006-06:00

Tyler Perry, the woefully unoriginal writer director and uninspired cross-dressing actor has released another melodramatic southern soap opera. He went into the kitchen with Alfre Woodard and Kathy Bates and came out with a flavorless pecan pie, called "Tyler Perry's The Family That Preys."

How insecure in your own creative talent do you have to be to preface every title with your moniker? Is it some form of protective legal charm against Hollywood producers who might steal your impotent plots or does he just like putting his name on things? His house must be full of monogrammed stuff and Post-it notes declaring Tyler Perry's hand towels, Tyler Perry's cheese grater and Tyler Perry's Compound W wart remover. I heard he has a vanity tattoo just below his belly button that indicates the location of his irritable bowel.

Maybe Mr. Perry is in some twisted competition with John Carpenter to see how many movies he can release with his name out front.

Tyler Perry's The Family That Preys
Tyler Perry's Meet the Browns
Tyler Perry's Why Did I Get Married?
Tyler Perry's Daddy's Little Girls
Tyler Perry's Madea's Family Reunion
Tyler Perry's House of Payne
Tyler Perry's Diary of a Mad Black Woman

John Carpenter's Ghosts of Mars
John Carpenter's Vampires
John Carpenter's Escape from L.A
John Carpenter's Village of the Damned
John Carpenter's In the Mouth of Madness
John Carpenter's Big Trouble in Little China
John Carpenter's Starman
John Carpenter's Christine
John Carpenter's The Thing
John Carpenter's Escape from New York
John Carpenter's The Fog

Did Kubrick put his name in front of Spartacus? Did Altman ad his name to M*A*S*H? Did Murphy add his to Meet The Klumps? No. They stood on their own merit. Maybe they get to do that when they write and direct a film, in which case, look forward to seeing "Turner & Phelps's Bigfoot Saves Hannukah" coming soon to theater near you.

Also coming soon in 2009: Tyler Perry's Madea Goes to Jail (for real). Now he's chasing the Ernest P. Worrell dream. Over the next few years we'll see Madea going to camp, getting scared stupid, saving Christmas and becoming a reluctant astronaut.

Milk that cash cow, Tyler. Milk it!

Smell like Paris in the summertime

2008-09-16T10:13:00.010-06:00

Paris Hilton is hawking her new, unique aroma. She sent me a sample this weekend in the mail and it's a huge success!

That is, of course, if her goal had been to find the essence of 2 million undeodorized Frenchmen in an overcrowded city with an antiquated water supply system, each burdened by an unquenchable penchant for eating over-ripe cheeses and onions, and reeking of rendered horse flesh and unfiltered cigarettes.

I predict that we won't be the better for this new venture by the queen of classless self-promotion.

Having our teenage girls smelling like they spent a week in the sewers beneath the Champs-Élysées, competing with each other for scraps among dead, bloated rats and suspicious fungi is the last thing we want.

No thanks, Paris. I'd rather my daughter smell of Ernest Borgnine's nutsack than your Can Can.

Adolf Hussein Must Go

2008-09-10T09:52:00.002-06:00

I was just in a discussion about the Iraq War where someone said it was America's duty to stand up and remove Saddam Hussein from power because he was a terrible dictator who killed innocent people.

Then he used that tried and true catch-all rhetorical question: What if we hadn't stood up to Hitler or Pol Pot?

Comparing Saddam Hussein to Hitler is like comparing Manuel Noriega to Stalin. I'm tired of these historical revisionists either ignoring the fact that the American public was tricked into invading Iraq because of their (imaginary) ties to Al Qaeda, or changing the reasons we deployed into some grand exercise in liberating a people from an evil despot.

He was an evil dictator, no question. And he used chemical weapons against the Kurds and Iranians. But that wasn't a good enough reason to invade, overthrow, and occupy.

And to answer the rhetorical question: We didn't. How long did Hitler's reign of terror and expansion last before we got involved? And it was Vietnam that drove Pol Pot out of power when they invaded during the Vietnamese-Cambodia War in the late 70's.

Not a very funny blog post, but I hope some people consider it over the next two months, when we hear this same rhetoric from the "Support Our Troops" thugs and "Nobama" hooligans.

To make it up to you, here's a rhetorical question that is funny:

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

McCain's Steaming Pile of Cabinet Choices

2008-09-08T10:00:00.005-06:00

John McCain hasn't announced who he plans to pick for his cabinet, if he wins the election, but he has promised to include a Democrat.

Hmmm... a Democrat in the McCain cabinet. Who could it be? Who might he pluck from the across the aisle to represent the voice of the liberals and provide transparent balance to his conservative agenda?

Why, of course, it will be the sack of shit disguised as a Connecticut Democrat, now turned independent, but actually a closet war-mongering, lobbyist-loving, old-school politico Republican in Democrat's clothing. The stench from his betrayal to his party, which still surrounds him, will fit right in with the rest of McCain's cabinet choices, I'm sure, especially if McCain just fills those seats with the faithful from the past two Bush administrations.

If that day comes, John McCain will be able to look around the table at any given cabinet meeting and say those words he has longed to say in honor of his enemy-turned-biggest-supportor, "Heckuva job, Brownie. Heckuva job."

Petraeus Underwhelms All by Stating the Obvious

2008-09-05T12:05:00.003-06:00

"Qaeda still undefeated in Iraq." The words echoed through the deserted hall where General David Patraeus, U.S. commander in Iraq, was scheduled to give a press conference. Due to almost all news agencies sending their reporters to St. Paul, Minnesota to cover John McCain's Republican acceptance speech, Patraeus's press conference became a one on one interview with lone veteran Financial Times reporter, Sammy "Scoop" Hamilton.

"Well, I was supposed to be in St. Paul too with the rest of the world's press corps" Hamilton confided via phone to Turner/Phelps, "but I missed the bus Sunday to the airport and had to stay here."

Further investigation revealed that "Scoop," his gluttonous love of Middleastern food famous among the other reporters, was en route to the airport when he spied an all-you-can-eat falafel special at Habib's House of Humus and jumped off the bus just as it was leaving the Green Zone.

GOP Risks Doublespeak with Palin

2008-09-04T06:24:00.004-06:00

It's the tried and true, "cheer for this talking point, even though it's contrary to the one we had you cheering for five minutes ago" tactic at last night's RNC. And that talking point is the word risk.

Ru Gui comes on strong saying we can't risk having someone with Obama's lack of experience in the Whitehouse. It's too dangerous.

Minutes later, Governor Palin is telling us we have to take risks. She says, "It's safe to keep the ship tied up in the harbor, but that's not what it was built for." (An old Inuit saying?)

I think Risk is a good, healthy exercise. I usually try to establish a presence in Asia and Australia first, and then expand westward through Kamchatka to North America.

Two-headed Oddity on Campaign Trail

2008-08-28T10:16:00.007-06:00

A Boy with Two heads..." was how the media described the newborn medical oddity in India that sadly died only 48 hours after leaving the hospital. I contest that they should have referred to them as "two boys with one body..." or more accurately, "twins who failed to divide into two distinct bodies."

What constitutes individuality, the number of torsoes you have or the number of brains?

And what do you call that hideous, wrinkled, parasite that's hanging on John McCain everywhere we've seen him these past few weeks?

Oh, yeah. It's Leiberman. Hopefully, tomorrow's VP announcement will effectively excise that sycophantic thing from the Arizona senator. Unless Turncoat Joe is McCain's choice as running mate, in which case we'll have to squeamishly watch their handholding through November.

Phelps Father skips Beijing for Fraser Flicks

2008-08-21T06:22:00.005-06:00

Sunday I took my nephews to the movies at one of our big multiplex cinemas. It was raining so I was wearing my Olympic boxing wind-breaker. I bought tickets to The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor plus drinks and snacks at the concession stand and used my Visa (Morgan Freeman's voice: official card of the Olympics and the only card used there) for the transactions.

Typical in today's world of identity theft, they asked for my ID each time I used my credit card. I don't mind this as it's good practice for when President Hannity and his Savage brown shirts are running things.

Well, after an hour of covered faces and asking when it's OK to watch (to the exaggerated sighs of the corpulent comic book store owner sitting next to us), The Mummy, despite Brendan Fraser's manic mugging, turned out to be too scary for the boys. We opted to switch to another movie, so I zipped back to the ticket booth and bought passes to the other Brendan Fraser flick available, Journey to the Center of the Earth, 3D (soon to be a classic).

Good times were had by all and afterward I shuttled my nephews home with the hopes of turning around and meeting my wife and some friends back at the theater to see Tropic Thunder. She beat me there, bought her tickets and stocked up at the concession stand using her Visa, too.

The popcorn girl noticed her name and asked, "Oh, are you related to Michael Phelps, the swimmer?" My wife responded, "No."

"That's funny," said popcorn girl, "his father was here earlier today."

. .

Britney's Link to Foreskin Museum a Hidden Treasure

2008-08-20T15:43:00.005-06:00

I had to share the funniest spam subject line I've received so far today:

Britney gives foreskin museum special gift

It works on so many levels because

It's absurd.
It conjures images of Britney Spears ceremonially entering the museum.
It begs the questions: what does the museum display and what would be her special gift?

What has been the funniest subject line in your spam folder?

Phelps to Move to Brazil for Beach Volleyball

2008-08-17T06:58:00.007-06:00

Wow, I've never noticed until this morning how much I love Brazil.

It's really beautiful down there.

Unbelievably beautiful.

I want to spend a lot of time in Brazil. Maybe learn to do the mambo there. I'd explore every secret place, get familiar with it on a personal level and maybe even make it my home. Ah, yes, I could really settle in there and make Brazil my home.

If I moved to Brazil, I'd get to know the locals and take time to chew the fat whenever I wasn't showing Brazil how much I loved and appreciated her. I'd even learn to spell my new home's name with an S.

A super fine S.

. . .

super fine.

. . .

Phelps Admits to Doping

2008-08-17T06:07:00.008-06:00

It's true, I admit it.

I was sitting in a den in Bombay. I had a slack jaw and not much to say. That's where the doping started. I asked the man, "are you trying to tempt me?" when he filled the bowl of my pipe with the sweetest black Khali opium I had ever tasted. What a ride. It was like traveling in a fried-out combie on a hippie trail, head full of zombie.

From there, my troupe moved on to Bangkok. It was just one night, but I couldn't get out of those chess bars. It was really such a pity how I saw a god in every golden cloister, and lucky me, some of those gods were a she. I got Thai'd like a tourist on some Pnom Bang that was the purist. Talk about getting your kicks above the waistline.

Well, the next thing I knew I was in Beijing with my hands wrapped around a three-foot long bong shaped like a China girl. It was silly, but I found myself threatening her between hits. I was saying, "My little China girl, you shouldn't mess with me. I'll ruin everything you are." Eventually I stumbled into town like a sacred cow. I had visions of swastikas in my head and plans for everyone in my troupe. But the party had to end.

What a crazy week. That's about all I remember from the 80's. I still have that bong, though. And when I get excited, I can hear my little China girl say, "Oh baby, just you shut your mouth."

She says, "Sh-sh-shhhh."

. . .

Is RNC's Message to Kill Obama or just a typo?

2008-08-12T13:20:00.005-06:00

Although the meer thought that the Republican National Committee would advocate the murder of anyone, let alone an American citizen is ludicrous and absurd (and no accusation, implicit or explicit is being made here in any way), a posting on their national website today has me wondering if it isn't beyond the realm of possibility. I noticed it this morning as I was reading their headlines, which I do religiously. And there it was in plain sight, Obama: Wwak

Is that header a typo, or could this be a subtle, secret communiqué with a sleeper cell operative working for the RNC? According to the Urban Dictionary, "Whack" means "assassinate the mo-fo." (See definition 3-2.) Could Wwak be the RNC's own phonetic twist on that term? Perhaps the rest of the headline "on Bipartisanship" is an anagram for some additional instructions or cryptic message:

I part his bison nap - a reference to taking him out while he sleeps, i.e. interrupting his nap. (Bison = buffalo = the term used for black soldiers prior to WWII)
pa sins ar both in pi - a prophecy that his sins (of being the DNC candidate) and his father's sins (of being a muslim) are "coming full circle" with the completion of this directive.
this piano bar: spin - a clue as to where the operative is to pick up his fee for the job. Is Spin a popular piano bar in Georgetown where Republicans like to meet with lobbyists in dark booths and compare notes on which congressional pages are cuter in short shorts?

Maybe it's just metaphorical? By telling their people to Wwak him, they might mean assassinate his character.

Bush on the Beach

2008-08-09T09:07:00.003-06:00

Despite Great Hair, Edwards Just Another Scumbag Lawyer

2008-08-08T15:54:00.002-06:00

After all he and his wife have been through, John Edwards, the guy I really wanted to win the Democratic nomination for President (after "Mighty Balls" Dennis Kucinich), turns out to be just another lying, scumbag lawyer. He even admitted to the lying and the scumbagging. (We already knew he was a lawyer.)

In my wishful world for ironic justice, his wife Elizabeth should get to have sex with his younger brother while he's battling incurable testicular cancer. Or, she should have sex in front of him with a young, handsome senatorial aide when he's battling Alzheimer's. (The rationale being that each offense will be like it's the first time he's catching them.)

A sad day for those hopeful few who believe that politicians can be decent human beings, and that they aren't all heartless, ego-driven walking waste.

Victoria Osteen Elbowed Me in the Boob, Too

2008-08-06T15:37:00.005-06:00

And the event gave me a case of hemorrhoids.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it. Any chance to get a piece of that sweet sweet Osteen action. The potential settlement, that is, which is reportedly 10% of Mrs. Osteen's personal net worth.

It's gotta suck to own a megachurch, have a violently explosive temper and be a stickler for tidiness in first class.

Gorilla Surplus a Boon for Soon-to-be Injured Chinese Athletes

2008-08-05T12:35:00.007-06:00

A new environmentalist census of gorillas in Africa estimates their population in The Republic of Congo at more than double the previous numbers, pushing their ranks over 125,000.

With this report's release, Turner/Phelps asks the world: What's good about more gorillas?

China :: Gorillas are of particular interest to the health needs of the people of the People's Republic. From relieving pain and insomnia to improving sexual drive and good luck, the gorilla provides us with a plethora of pharmacological remedies. Plus, with the recent mandates from the government for athletes to win more medals during the Beijing olympics, injuries are sure to be on the rise, so we'll need tincture of gorilla paw for broken bones, ointment of gorilla brain for sprained ligaments, and gorilla testicle stew to relieve sore joints (and give good luck). More gorillas means good things for China!

Taek Spleen Meen Lee
Assistant to the Deputy Minister of Health

NRA :: We need to save those poor animals! Save them from themselves. If their population has doubled in less than ten years, do you have any idea what devastating affect they will have on their environment? It would be cruel to idly stand by and watch those majestic creatures overpopulate their natural territory and suffer starvation and disease. We must cull the herd! I think $10,000 per head would be a reasonable license fee to ask. Maybe with a 10% discount on all NRA-booked safari packages.

Joe Don Shaughtgunn
Head of the Conservation Dept. and Exotic Game Hunters Club

The Jane Goodall Foundation :: They found more gorillas? Ugh! Nothing's good about that! Do you have any idea how hard it is to get the stink of their wet fur out of the carpet, let alone the mess they make in the parking lot? We go through shoes and welcome matts faster than we go through bug spray! I say we let the NRA have their way with them.

Randy Munkee-Goodall
Step Grand-nephew of Jane Goodall, and manager of the visitor center souvenir shop

Obama Gets Down and Dirty

2008-08-04T09:10:00.004-06:00

Sadly, Obama has to lower himself to McCain's level and start with the negative campaign ads.

The latest: Obama's Oil Offensive, an ad where he says McSame is a tool of the big oil companies. Of course, he could have left the oil companies out of it and just said that McCain is a tool.

That would be hard for the Republicans to deny.

Who Said It? McCain, Putin or a Crazy Homeless Guy?

2008-07-30T22:09:00.002-06:00

Working downtown gives me plenty of access to crazy homeless people who say a variety of witty things to me as I pass them on the street. That gave me a great idea for a new game – so gather your friends, come one, come all. Turner Phelps presents: Who Said It? McCain, Putin or a Crazy Homeless Guy? You may have seen the game in the "Seen on TV" stores under the name, Who is More Insane: McCain, Putin or a Crazy Homeless Guy?

Quiz: your job is to determine who said each of the following quotes, John McCain, former KGB spy Vladmir Putin or a Crazy Homeless Guy.

1. "We have a lot of work to do. It's a very hard struggle, particularly given the situation on the Iraq-Pakistan border." --referring to a border that doesn't exist.

2. "Holy S**t she's a real bitch." – referring to Hillary Clinton.

3. "I was concerned about a couple of steps that the Russian government took in the last several days. One was reducing the energy supplies to Czechoslovakia." --referring to, um, Czechoslovakia, which is, um, no longer a country.

4. ''Terrorism has once again shown it is prepared deliberately to stop at nothing in creating human victims. An end must be put to this. As never before, it is vital to unite forces of the entire world community against terror. ''

5. "F**k you! I know more about this than anyone else in the room."

6. "Make it a hundred...That would be fine with me." –answering the question of if he agreed with Bush's plan to keep U.S. troops in Iraq for 50 years.

7. "You can suck on this, Mr. Starbucks."

8. "I can only feel joy the American people made the most sensible decision." – Referring to Bush's 2004 reelection

9. "I am an illiterate that has to rely on my wife for all of the assistance I can get."

10. "You're a f***ing queer in those shiny shoes, pretty boy."

11. "The issue of economics is not something I've understood as well as I should."

12. "No references to the need to fight terror can be an argument for restricting human rights."

13. "No, I'm calling you a f*cking jerk."

14. "Only an a**hole would put together a budget like this ... I wouldn't call you an a**hole unless you really were an a**hole."

15. "At least I don't plaster on the makeup like a trollop, you c*nt."

Answers:

1. McCain

2. Crazy Homeless Guy

3. McCain

4. Putin

5. McCain to Sen. John Cornyn (R-TX) during an argument on immigration legislation

6. McCain

7. Crazy Homeless Guy

8. Putin

9. McCain after being asked whether us uses a Mac or a PC

10. Crazy Homeless Guy

11. McCain

12. Putin

13. McCain to Republican Sen. Chuck Grassley, after Grassley asked "Are you calling me stupid?"

14. McCain to Budget Committee Chairman and fellow Republican Sen. Pete Domenici, during a budget hearing

15. McCain to his wife, Cindy, after she patted his head and said "You're getting a little thin up there," according to the book The Real McCain, by Cliff Schecter.

McCain Nicknames

2008-07-29T16:31:00.003-06:00

I find it frightening to discuss Republican politicians and so I like to use silly nicknames instead of their real names. It helps keep images of mushroom clouds and five-dollar gallons of gas out of my nightmares. For example, I like to call Rudy Giuliani "Ru-Giu" because it calls to mind his habit of cross-dressing on national television. I prefer to call Dick Cheney "that creepy troll," although lower-case "dick," works, too. But, I'm having trouble coming up with a nickname that I want to use for John McCain. I thought I'd ask all seven readers of TurnerPhelps to help out.

Here are the one's I'm considering.

McSame or McBush: because it would be like the next four years of the current administration.

McCane, McLame or McMusil: because he's 127 years old.

McDrain: because a McCain administration would put the final stake in the heart of your childrens' hopes for the future.

McChurian: because he's already lied about his time as a POW, what else is he lying about?

McTaint, McCaca or McPoop: because I have the mind of a nine-year-old and I always laugh at the word "taint."

McStain: because he built his post-Keating scandal reputation on campaign finance reform and then hired lobbyists to work for his campaign.

McHuffy, McCrazy: because of his infamous temper.

Sen. Stevens Threatens to "Kick Some Fed Ass"

2008-07-29T11:40:00.004-06:00

Don't be thrown by the liver spots.

Despite his frail 84-year old body and grandfatherly demeanor, Senator Stevens proved he's still full of piss and vinegar this weekend when federal investigators indicted him for corruption, lying, and geriatric surliness. After dislocating one agent's shoulder like Yoda on Red Bull, he garroted another with the investigator's own tie before being brought down with tazers and bear tranquilizers.

Unlike most disgraced Republicans, Stevens confidently wouldn't go without a fight, despite the eye witness testimony and mountain of evidence against him.

DC insiders say that he drinks from the same unholy fountain of youth that kept Strom Thurmon climbing the capital steps and having adulterous sex with "colored folks" well into his 90's. The fountain is purportedly hidden beneath the lowest chambers of Smithsonian Institution, and is guarded by Doris Kearnes Goodwin, an ancient Egyptian sphinx of immeasurable knowledge and cunning.

10 Radical PR Maneuvers to Polish Bush’s Image

2008-07-25T10:50:00.002-06:00

Sure, he’s a lame-duck and largely irrelevant. Sure, he’s bungled anything important to true Americans (the economy, oil prices, the environment, civil liberties, privacy, national debt, the hunt for bin Laden, the annual White House Easter Egg Hunt). He might even be the worst president in the history of the United States. Yet, with a few carefully planned public relations moves, George Bush could still salvage his image for the history books. Here’s my suggested playbook:

1. Shoot Dick Cheney in the face during a hunting incident. There are less violent ways to demonstrate his independence from that creepy troll, such as giving a speech while Cheney is drinking a glass of water, but I think shooting him in the face says it all with a sense of comic irony that historians would appreciate.

2. When asked about the failing banks and plummeting stock market, say, “at least I didn’t succeed in privatizing Social Security. Score one for number 43.

3. Start wearing an Obama for Change t-shirt during his morning jogs.

4. Fall off the wagon and get really high on cocaine, drive around Los Angeles without wearing his panties, spend a month in jail, get out, declare himself a changed man, adopt 12 orphans from under-industrialized countries, write a book, marry George Takei and cry about his failures on Oprah.

5. Drop the hunt for bin Laden – find Pauly Shore.

6. Star in a sequel to the movie Twins with Dennis Kucinich.

7. Give his entire presidential salary since 2000 to promoting universal health care and state, “I’m sorry, Americans really deserve to get their money back.”

8. Appear on Celebrity Family Feud facing the Clintons. There is no hope that the Bushes would win, -- having no clue about what Americans think about anything -- but watching Al Roker kiss a retarded monkey would really be good for ratings.

9. Play drums in a vanity side-project with Jack White.

10. Broadcast his next press conference from his bedroom where Bush will wake up next to Suzanne Pleshette and declare that the last seven years were all a bad dream.

25,000 Iraqis coming to the U.S., but I can't cash a check?

2008-07-24T10:39:00.004-06:00

All you have to do is listen to McCaine, or Fox News, or that recording on the PA system at the airport and it's pretty clear that we're currently at a heightened level of security in this country. They say that terrorists are everywhere, determined to destroy us and our way of life. And yet, our government is letting 25 THOUSAND Iraqis* into the U.S. on permanent visas.

I don't get it.

So what if they worked for the U.S. in Iraq? Don't we want the people who have some vested interest in us being there to stay there? If they were upstanding, honest, non-insurgent enough to work for us, they should stay. They should be the people who "stand up when we stand down" as our president put it.

But they say they fear for their lives. Exactly. Those are the people we want staying there to keep up the fight against the insurgents and present a rational defense against the Muqtada al-Sadrs and Shia theocrats of the region.

And what about our security? If even one out of every 250 of the Iraqis we let into the country harbor ill will against us (and I think it would be higher, regardless of us letting them move here, considering all the civilians we've killed over there), that means we're opening our doors to at least 100 potential terrorists.

I buy lotto tickets for a group of co-workers every week. Today, I tried to cash a $10 check from one of my lotto pals, but since I don't have an account with Wells Fargo (the check's bank) I couldn't use the drive-through. I had to walk into the bank lobby, present TWO forms of ID, and let them fingerprint me! All for the sake of heightened security. I'm not joking. It's total BS.

*5,000 per year for 5 years.

Marine Corps: Killbots Selling Themselves as Racist Murderers

2008-07-17T09:45:00.003-06:00

While driving to Boulder last weekend I was passed by a pickup truck sporting a humorous bumper sticker. It read, "US Marines: Travel Agents to Allah."

Thinking about it, this wasn't so funny.

First off, what was it saying? Second, what wasn't it saying?

Turner/Phelps caught in a lie

2008-07-15T09:28:00.004-06:00

The editors at T-P would like to apologize for the 7/14/08 post that inaccurately stated that Phelps was born on July 14th.

The truth of the matter is that Phelps was born on July 15, and doesn't like to be reminded that he shares a birthday with Jan Michael-Vincent.

Worse than that, being an atheist, Phelps dislikes the fact that his birthday falls on Saint Swithun's Day and is usually followed by 40 days and 40 nights of rain. At least in Winchester.

He apologized with contrition for the remarks he made in the blog and out of the blog.

(He thought the microphone was off.)

Phelps: an old confederate reflects on the past

2008-07-14T16:13:00.004-06:00

Forgive me for this grumpy post, but turning 103 today prompts me to look back on my long, painful life as an American icon (oclast) and vent a little about our woes of today.

Empirical expansion - When I was born, there were 45 stars on the flag. We didn't need anymore then, and we don't need anymore now. In fact, with the admission of Wisconsin in 1848, we had all the states we would ever need and they fit nicely east of the Missouri and Mississippi Rivers. Sure, stopping the republic's expansion westward would have meant that Mexico would benefit from California's gold rush and the Texas oil boom, but that would just have ushered them into super power economic status along with us and we wouldn't be having the illegal immigration troubles we're having today by sharing a border with a third world nation. Plus, the Mormons would have been their problem in Utah, along with the injuns.

Whiny mama's boys - Those Republicans who bitch and moan about the Democrats wanting to limit free markets tend to forget their very own Herbert Hoover and how he fixed world wheat prices. Ol' Grandpappy Phelps, who liked to call him Her-Butt Heiffer, lost everything to the dusters of '32 because of Whitehouse market interference and the government-sponsored programs of the late 1920's that stole land from the Cherokee and tricked people into disastrously over-farming the High Plains. If it weren't for Prohibition and Grandpappy's unmatched skill with a corn mash still, we Phelpses would have resorted to horse theivery and land-grabbing oil scams like the Nebraska Cheneys we drove north into Wyoming. The point is, there's no such thing as a free market. The only thing in the market that the Republicans want to be free is the corporations' scott when cheating the workers out of rights and benefits, as in, "they want to get off scott-free when they're caught lying, cheating, killing, or defrauding." When it serves their purpose, they maniplate the free market as much as the Democrats. But it's the Dems who get the bad rap for it because they do it to protect the public's pocketbook instead of doing it to protect the Wall Street fat cats.

Socialized medicine - What, some things are OK to socialize and some things aren't? In my day, we didn't have anything socialized. Not libraries, not police forces, and definitely not "fundamental services." If you wanted the local fire department to put water on your blazing hovel, you had to pay them to do it. Teachers' salaries funded by school district taxes? Bah! Every man's child took a nickel to school with him everyday to pay his teacher for his education in the 3 R's along with a hefty dose of corporal punishment, a Protestant-centric world view, and historical studies that were decidedly lacking in any mention of those continental land masses and cultures east of Poland,west of California, and south of the Equator. And we'd be grateful to offer to muck our teacher's horse stall or milk his dairy cow for him. Now the commie liberals are demanding socialized medicine. Well, I'm against it. Who cares that a few million dollars in tax-funded preventative care could save the public and insurance companies billions of dollars of treatment down the road? Somebody who hasn't paid into the system might use it, and we're better off not having a medical system that's free to the public than having to police the freeloaders or fraudsters that exist in the system anyway!

The trouble is today, nobody wears belts or boot straps. In my time we used them for everything that ailed us. Lost your job? Well, you just need to find a new one by lifting yourself up by the bootstraps! Have a bad year on the farm and can't feed your family? Well, just tighten those belts and work hard for next year! Lost your non-government insured life savings due to some New York banker's stock market speculation so you weren't able to move away from your drought-ruined farm or pay a doctor to cure your wife's cancer? Well, just braid those bootstraps and belt into a sturdy rope and hang yourself from the rafters. It's called "taking responsibility for your lot in life." We had to do it in my day, and we should expect the young-uns of today to have to do it, too.

And a good old-fashioned switching behind the wood shack never hurt anyone.

More on Bush's Book

2008-07-07T07:40:00.004-06:00

If Bush wrote a memoir, what would he include? Why he was indecisive during the 9/11 attacks? Why he was ultra-decisive during the build-up to the Iraq invasion? Why he was uninvolved during the Katrina disaster? Why he was overly-involved in the gay marriage debate? Why he said that anyone in the White House who participated in the Valerie Plame leak would be fired, then failed to follow-through with that promise?

We know he has a proven track record of keeping tight-lipped regarding the decision making processes in his administration (besides his mantra that he is the decision maker). So should we expect much in the way of enlightenment from his personal memoir, or will it just be a lot incomplete sentences, poorly constructed thoughts, and unfinished, misapplied colloquialisms?

Besides, if he is completely comfortable lying to us on camera or in townhall meetings, I'm sure he's completely comfortable lying to us in print.

Whoa

2008-06-29T00:20:00.003-06:00

Hola Amigos!

Tis I back from a mexican prison sentence which I can assure you was a mockery of justice. Imagine a jury full of pinatas. Bang. Tons of chocolate goodies for the kiddies. And freedom for yours truly. Bang I say.

In Mexico I have seen some truly sick things. People going to the bathroom and then eating awesome tomato adobado tacos without washing their hands! Delicous tomato based tacos. No salmonella poisoning! For all you haters, all I have to say is there must be some dirty russians at hand there my friend, i can tell you that.

Well, I'm going back to the states with a clean salmonella-free hand, I can tell you that. Its like Hillary Clinton at the end of her campaign. Like Obama after a full breakfast of whole wheat high fiber pancakes at IHOP.

No. Thats not it at all. Though I'm sure Obama and I share a few aborted squirrels in the bathroom.

No, you know what it is? I feel like Clarice Starling coming out of Buffalo Bill's basement. Clean. And afraid of butterflies.

More to report after my chopstick fingers have regained their strength with a few grumps at King's Chef.

Mitch

Carlin: He will be F#@king Missed

2008-06-23T12:46:00.003-06:00

He skewered us with his rapier-fast wit, acid-etched humor, and painfully honest opinions. His social commentary shed light on everything from the social value of private golf clubs (none) to the way "politcally correct" language dilutes the responsibilities of those who use it.

He was the first person I had ever heard attack the church as an institution, deride the media as a whole, and it was his frank views of mankind and our country that indoctrinated me into the world of skepticism.

He was angry. He was funny. And he will be fucking missed.

Tehran withdraws $75 Billion from EU banks, orders world's largest mattress to hide it in

2008-06-16T12:14:00.003-06:00

Bush to write memoir, Crayola value skyrockets

2008-06-16T09:02:00.005-06:00

Wallstreet's reaction to the latest news from Europe that President Bush plans to write his memoir was an emphatic "BUY" for Crayola Crayons. "This is going to be a huge coup for the crayon industry," one stockbroker said. "With drafts, revisions, redactions and endless doodles of tanks and helicopters blowing people up, he's bound to go through truckloads of the main forty-eight colors."

Unfortunately, Crayola is a wholly owned subsidiary of Hallmark, which is a privately held company. Several old school brokers who haven't migrated to the new electronic model of trading, didn't know this and ran around the trade floor screaming, "Crayola, Buy! Crayola, Buy!" Other traders looked on in amusement and disgust.

What crime did he commit?

2008-06-10T14:38:00.006-06:00

The follow-up question I have is if Bush (and his lackeys) are found guilty of misleading the public in order to convince us to go to war in Iraq and overthrow a sovereign nation, what then? Well, we should take a page from the Bush Admin playbook and consider what their tactics for something like this would be. Namely, what's the harshest crime we could actually make stick with an indictment?

Treason? Sure, we were already at war in Afghanistan, so technically, almost anything you do illegal internationally during wartime could be construed as treason (see pg. 32 of the playbook, "Drawing your own conclusions and twisting the meaning of the law to suit your needs"). But since the motive wasn't to commit the crime and go to war for another (i.e. enemy) nation, it would be hard to make that stick. Plus, short of him dressing like Hitler and being caught on videotape giving Kim Jong Il and Osama bin Laden each a nuclear bomb while he takes a crap on Old Glory, there's no way a sitting president would ever be convicted of treason.

Sedition? Again, since he wasn't working for another country, and particularly not for an enemy country, it would be hard to pin sedition on him. Though a savvy prosecutor could make a strong argument that his Patriot Act was in effect an attempt to overthrow our government by proxy.

No, I don't think either of those are the route to take. But, if we go back to their playbook (see footnote 3 on pg. 27, under "Making shit up when we can't find an otherwise legal reason to throw someone in Gitmo") we'll find that in relation to Americans working against our better interests during the war, they have successfully pinned one high crime on someone: Conspiring to murder American nationals.

The facts:

Based on discussions they had amongst themselves to sell the war to the American people, their own intelligence investigations since 9/11 and motives they have hardly tried to keep secret (see books by Richard Clark and Scott McClellan), their actions could without a doubt be described as "conspiring."

They knew ahead of time that their actions (us going to war) would cause the loss of American lives, the lives of military servicemen and servicewomen as well as civilian support and news reporters.

Sure sounds like conspiring to murder American nationals to me.

Add on top of the fact they knowingly misled us that they conspired to kill tens of thousands of Iraqi civilians, and you've got another whole can of worms to open in the international courts. Plus, there's the matter of the ongoing investigation (heavily gagged by court order so no one can talk about it -- luckily I was watching BBC news this morning and caught report they did on the subject) of war profiteering by companies with government contracts in Iraq.

For such a small guy, Kucinich has huge balls

2008-06-10T13:38:00.003-06:00

Congressman Dennis Kucinich has my vote. Not just in the primaries where I was sad to see him drop out last January, but in the "real American" contest. It takes a true patriot to love one's country enough to stand up to a man like George Bush and his administration, rife as it is with strong arms and below-the-belt punchers, and demand that we begin impeachment proceedings. He wants congress to look into the president's motives and direction for his argument to go to war.

The public tends to mistake the meaning of an impeachment. It is not instant removal from office. The first part is merely a congressional vote to determine if the president, vice president or other public official committed wrongdoings. And there is plenty of evidence to warrant a vote. The second part of impeachment (conviction) is removal from office. As then-Congressman Gerald Ford is quoted in Wikipedia as saying in 1970, ""An impeachable offense is whatever a majority of the House of Representatives considers it to be at a given moment in history."

I think we're at that moment in history. And I hope the House of Representatives agrees.

McCain War Ad Powerful But Misses Mark

2008-06-08T13:29:00.003-06:00

I saw the new John McCain "I hate War" ad on TV last night. It was the second ad I saw that made me actually say something outloud. Of course, what I said outloud was, "Wow, the f**cking general election has already started and the paint on the Democratic Primary Is Over signs isn't even dry yet."

I was impressed by the moving nature of the ad, but disappointed because he's playing to the people who are against the war in Iraq without saying he'll end the war in Iraq.

Never forget he said he was for the war in Iraq and that we might be there for 100 years.

The other ad I saw last night was much better. It made me say "oh my God" and laugh out loud. It was the Huggies ad where the baby pees all over the bedroom at the dinner party. Of course, if McCain doesn't win the election, maybe he'll be doing Huggies ads in the near future. Hell, Bob Dole was pushing Viagra after he lost (and Doritos for that matter).

The Cost of Change

2008-06-04T13:26:00.005-06:00

I was in an email discussion string the other day with mostly conservatives and non-progressives, navigating the dark and murky depths of the pros and cons of a McCain presidency versus an Obama presidency. The general consensus of the conversation (except me) was that of the candidates only McCain was interested in lowering my taxes, improving the economy, securing the country and defeating the evildoers of the world.

In response to my saying I was going to vote for Barack Obama, one of the conservatives thought he would tordepo me with, "I hope you're ready to pay for it for a long time." He was referencing the right-wing argument that social programs implemented today are monies wasted that become a societal burden paid for over generations.

I decided to bring my response to the blog with the following points:

All Americans, and especially American politicians, want to improve the economy. It's the primary litmus test for the success of their programs and the justification for the continuation of their political philosophies.
Who doesn't want to make our country more safe? Does his statement imply that Obama stays up at night asking Michelle, "Hon, America is too safe. How can I make it more dangerous for our children?"
"Pay for it for a long time?" Pay for what, a government that is less corrupt, influenced less by lobbies, and not in the pockets of corporate conglomerates? Yes please! For the price of closing a couple military bases abroad (do we really need bases in Italy and Japan?) we could fund a substantial amount of other social programs or redirect that money to homeland security and desperately needed infrastructure. I'd much rather have a chunk of my taxes pay for something like universal healthcare and rapid transit than to continue to pay for an unrighteous, morally bankrupt, terrorist training ground like the Iraq War.
Is it really our place to "defeat evildoers?" How do you define them, identify them, and even find them? If we can't find Osama bin Laden... c'mon, we're obviously not that good at the whole defeating evildoers job. It shouldn't even be on our résumé.

Polygamy Trouble for Cheney's Radioactive BM

2008-05-20T09:18:00.003-06:00

The patriarch of the clan of radioactive benevolent monkeys that emerged from Dick Cheney's ass in a previous Turner/Phelps blog entry is defending himself this week before a senate subcommittee. Social services and other government agencies began to scrutinize the interdimensionally traveling space monkey's personal and financial history after rumors of polygamy, incest, and fraud began to surface.

"Zirklyon the Effervescent is a benevolent monkey," the radioactive BM's attorney stated to the press Monday on the steps of the capitol building. "benevolence is a fundamental practice in his culture. He came to Earth, after all, to save us from our dependence on oil and coal. These rumors of forced marriage within his own family and of imprisoning his daughters for use as sex slaves is pure hearsay and hogwash." (Few if any reporters noted that the attorney did not address the accusations of fraud.)

After the senate panel concluded its closed-door questioning of the monkey, the press had further questions, where at Zirklyon actually let slip that he does in fact have an unhealthy incestuous relationship with one or more of his offspring. At which point, his attorney abruptly ended the question and answer session, and had their security detail shuffle Zirklyon into their waiting limo.

Scientists have yet to explain how safe or what kind of radiation is emitted by Cheney's radioactive BMs. Nor have they been able to explain exactly how the benevolent monkey radiation will be captured, enriched, and effectively converted to clean fuel. But they are optimistic.

Obama Steamed Over GOPs Attack

2008-05-19T13:16:00.002-06:00

"Lay off my wife," Barack warned the Tennessee GOP this week after they aired a video of her stating that she was proud of America, for the first time in her life. Though she meant she was finally proud of our political process, she should have chosen her words better, or delivered each phrase and sentence of her stump speech in such a way to prevent the opposition from using a snippet out of context.

BUT, what Obama should have done, instead of warning the GOP, was to call John McCain and ask him, "Do you want this contest to be about our wives?" I'm sure McCain would have pre-emptively put the kabosh on any dirty pool by his party affiliates.

Just look up the spouses on Wikipedia. Sure, one has spent most her life as a lawyer or in politics while the other has been a rich philanthropist, but which one was involved (bookeeper for) a senatorial corruption case and carries a Wikipedia heading that reads, "Prescription drug addiction and theft"?

MMmmm... the best drugs are the ones you steal from your own nonprofit organization.

Hint: Cindy H. McCain

Radioactive Monkeys from Dick Cheney's Butt

2008-05-14T13:34:00.007-06:00

Benevolent, radioactive monkeys will fly from Dick Cheney's ass to replace all coal-burning powerplants, nuclear power plants, and diesel engines with clean, cold-fusion space monkey electricity throughout North America, totally freeing the US from dependency on foreign oil and carbon-based fuels.

Palestinians will give up any and all claims to past land ownership throughout Israel and its captured territories while Muslims across the globe will wholeheartedly approve of the Jewish state's plan to destroy the Dome of the Rock in order to build the third temple.

And John McCain's administration will be new, fresh, and different from George Bush's administration.

Tanzania Losing Coveted Albino Tourist Revenues

2008-04-04T11:50:00.003-06:00

Tourists lacking skin pigmentation are avoiding the African country of Tanzania, primarily because witch doctors there are killing albinos to use their body parts for "prosperity spells". It's true. Instead, albinos are taking their much-coveted tourist money to neighboring Mozambique, where they are better appreciated and not murdered.

"My clients prefer to vacation places where they won't be dismemebered, " says albino travel agent, Whitey Sunfry, of Whitey's Tours and Shady Safaris. "Mozambique is perfect. Lots of shade trees, and only the virgins have to be afraid of witch doctors, 'cause they promote virgin rape to cure AIDS."

Other destinations Mr. Sunfry steers albino clients away from when scheduling travel:

Death Valley - because there's no shade.
The Antarctic - because in all that snow it's too hard to find the albinos who get separated from their tour group.
Armenia - but only when Cher is visiting her castle there. She likes to bathe in their pale blood to retain her youth.

Oprah Confuses Media by Calling Pregnant Woman "Man"

2008-04-03T20:20:00.007-06:00

A pregnant woman who has had cosmetic surgery and is getting hormone treatment shows up on Oprah's TV show and turns the media world topsy turvy by calling her pregnancy a miracle. They're so worried about being PC, they refer to this woman as "him", and the headlines even refer to her as a man.

Don't get me wrong. We at Turner/Phelps are down with transgenderosity. Finding out who's really inside you is very important to us. In fact, our very own Mitch, who was born a boy, had his sex changed to female when he turned eighteen, and then turned back again just before he turned nineteen (after he realized he wasn't a woman trapped in a man's body). Of course, the scars are hideous to look at when he's changing in the locker room, but that doesn't prevent us from supporting his decisions wholeheartedly. For those ten and a half months, we referred to Mitch in the feminine and even changed the name on his parking spot to Mildred at his request.

So get this straight, Oprah and all you spineless news media editors. Just because the woman is in the process of becoming a man, if she has stopped and kept her reproductive organs, she's still a woman. I want to be a member of the Colorado senate one day, but you shouldn't call me senator and start stuffing money in my coat pockets until I actually steal the election.

I mean win the election. The pregnant woman who looks like a man because she has short hair and some whispy testosterone-produced facial hair is just a woman, even though she had her breats removed. Don't call her "he" until she's a man, no matter how much she wants to be a man who can give birth to babies.

The state of Oregon considers her a man and she is legally married to her wife. Oregon is wrong and has missed a tremendous opportunity to use this to promote the same sex marriage debate.

Bush installs Gitmo piranha pool

2008-03-26T12:40:00.003-06:00

President Bush rolled out his plan for new interrogation techniques this week to his joint chiefs of staff for review. Insiders say the list includes at least three of the following:

A pool of piranhas where detainees will be forced to swim and bathe
A large glass enclosure in which guards can throw snakes at detainees
An old trailer used for transporting circus animals as new solitary "hot box"
A three hour interview by Larry King in a speedo

When questioned by the chiefs regarding the similarity between the president's plan and breaking news about a Southern Italian circus that was forcing two teenage Bulgarian sisters to swim in a pool of deadly piranhas, the Whitehouse said any connection was purely coincidental.

Lt. General Michael Poppinghaus, of the U.S. Coast Guard, pointed out that President Bush had scrawled a reminder to himself across the last page of the briefing that said, "Bail-out Sicilian circus guys/hire them at Gitmo."

Predictions: Cheney's Ultimate Sacrifice

2008-03-12T13:13:00.002-06:00

Cheney is on his way to the Middle East to show support for the troops and to further America's cause in Iraq, Afghanistan, and against Iran. Could it be a plan of his to perform the ultimate sacrifice while there in order to bolster public support for the West's continued military presence in the region? Maybe they've given him only a few months to live (after his recent cardiac tests) and he's decided to take the warrior's path out?

Oh, wait. This is Cheney we're talking about. Never mind. He'll outlive us all, or if he does go anytime soon, it will be from injuries suffered from falling off the giant mountain of money he sleeps on every night.

Spitzer will go down (that's what she said)

2008-03-10T13:07:00.003-06:00

The Sheriff of Wallstreet, it seems, was caught tipping the saloon girls upstairs. Details are forthcoming, but our sources say that after building a long reputation as the bulldog who is hard on organized crime's prostitution rings, Democratic Governor of NY Eliot Spitzer has been humping the hand that feeds.

Spokespersons for the Spitzer Space Telescope had no comment.

Predictions: Bush League for Condie Rice

2008-03-04T14:39:00.005-07:00

Before Bush's term is up, I'm certain a member of his inner circle will jump ship. Since Dr. Rice and the Dark Lord of Summer Sausage are the only two remaining from his original band of evil henchmen, it's a coin toss between the two of them. My guess: Condie will fly the coop first.

Her explanation: she served her country and president well these past seven plus years and felt the time was right to pursue opportunities in the private sector.
Their real excuse: It will make room for another RNC Bush crony to serve, for just a few months, as Secretary of State, which looks really nice on the old resumé.

Cheney can't afford to leave office before Bush, lest George undo all the evil machinations Dick has set in motion these glorious seven years with the slip of his tongue or ill-advised stroke of the magically all powerful presidential fountain pen.

Do you have a Bush League Prediction?

SecDef Gates Flings the S-word

2008-02-29T11:17:00.004-07:00

And I don't mean sabre.

This week I heard Secretary of Defense Robert Gates, on the subject of Turkey's incursion into Northern Iraq to combat US-supplied terror forces (the PKK), emphasized the importance of respecting Iraq's status as a sovereign nation and how wrong it is for Turkey to unilaterally send troops across the border. Our illustrious president followed suit by reiterating General Gates' sentiments on Iraq's sovereignty, albeit adding that Turkey should "do what they went in to do, but get out as soon as possible."

It disgusts me to hear these jokers (especially Bush) postulate on the sanctity of a nation's sovereignty, particularly Iraq's. The hypocrisy staggers my sensibilities. Why aren't the national news outlets making comparisons between what they're saying and what they've done?

Obama to Change Name

2008-02-27T07:31:00.005-07:00

In response to the idiotic flap raised by Bill Cunningham and other right-wing whackos, Barack Hussein Obama is considering changing his name to something "more American." They haven't announced if the change will occur before or after the election season is over.

"Something with flair," confided Obama's assistant press secretary, Hymen Stalin. "It needs to evoke comforting thoughts of the average Joe, while instilling a sense of patriotic confidence and great business savvy. We'd like to see it be a name all Americans positively associate with and that Barack can be proud of using. Right now, the front runner of new names is Adolph Coors."

Editor's note - - - -

Has anyone raised the question of Bill Cunningham's last name? Pause between the compound words and you've got a clever pig.

By the way, Hussein means "handsome." Meanwhile, McCain's first name means "toilet."

Has America already lost?

2008-02-07T10:18:00.000-07:00

As the candidates coalesce through the primaries into the last few who we the people get to pick from next November, I just noticed a disturbing fact. No one has mentioned Osama bin Laden. Particularly, no one has mentioned the importance of us continuing the search for him.

There's a lot of talk about Iraq, there's sabre-rattling and talk of bringing Iran to the diplomatic table for discussions, and there's talk of the continued fight against "fundamental Islamists." But there is no specific talk about bin Laden, nor about the need to address Wahhabism and the Wahhabist dogma that underlies most aspects of fundamental Islamism.

Does this mean we already lost? When the candidates make it to the national level, does someone step up and whisper the truth in their ear? "America has already lost to the Saudis. Here's your check, just play along with this 'democracy' game. It will be better for everyone in the long run if you don't rock the boat."

It kind of feels like that's what's going on.

George Bush sure has given up. If there's one truth to which wagon he has hitched his loyalties to, it's evidenced in the fact that of all the things he promised over the last seven years, "Bringing Osama bin Laden to justice" is the highest. And George couldn't even do that one thing.

Or wouldn't. Talk about a legacy to remember.

Condie Too Sore To Sit

2008-01-30T13:39:00.001-07:00

After nearly thirty minutes punctuating each and every one of President Bush's comments with a standing ovation, Secretary of State, Condoleeza Rice, finally gave up and just remained standing until the conclusion of the state of the union address.

Rabid C-SPAN viewer and Washington insider, Ghata Wadcha-Tranewreck, noted the following in her nightly on-line politico journal:

I've got to hand it to Condie for sheer stamina. Every pause, every finished sentence, she was the first one on her feet, clapping, and the last one to sit down. From the moment those teleprompters were first turned on, she was like a tiger, ready to pounce with her applause. All those ups and downs. I thought I was watching a Pam Anderson video. Even when the Republicans weren't giving him a standing ovation, there was Condie, on her feet, clapping maniacally. I wanted to warn her, to scream at the television, "Sit down, Condie! Pace yourself!" It's a marathon, you know, not a 100 yard dash. But she finally found the limits of her endurance. All that enthusiasm during the first half of the speech caught up with her. I could actually see the very moment when her body gave up, when her enthusiasm, like her interest in Middle East peace, took a sudden nosedive. Unfortunately for her, and the guy sitting behind her, it happened on the upswing, and she found herself stuck standing. Her hands couldn't clap and her knees couldn't bend. She was stuck in ovation. And I was embarrassed for her, and for the country.

Ghata signing off. Happy C-Spanning!

Whitehouse Hunts for New Corrupt Politician to Support in Pakistan

2008-01-16T11:50:00.000-07:00

Since Bhutto's assassination, the Whitehouse has been struggling to find another corrupt politician to back in the name of Democracy. One anonymous aide currently searching Pakistan for a viable frontrunner said, "It's hard to find the right politician to back. They can't seem mean, or aligned with any 'questionable' religious groups. As long as they aren't labelled a military dictator, we don't care how corrupt they are or how much money they've siphoned out of the public coffers into their own private Swiss bank account."

Nervously glancing over his shoulder, the aide alluded to President Musharaf (or maybe Bush) by saying that national pride, patriotism, and love of country does not justify a military coup in a democracy. "No matter how corrupt, beholden to corporations, or enslaved by energy companies and oil cartels the leaders of the government might be, people should never question their duly elected government. Especially not the executive branch."

New Year Stumbles Into Its First Week Like Dick Cheney in a 7-Eleven

2008-01-01T21:23:00.000-07:00

(Get it? It's a pacemaker joke.)

No promise for prosperity in 2008, since the sub-prime lending catastophe still threatens to cripple our economy, though Bernanke refuses to tell us exactly when the collapse will occur.
No hopeful political outlook in 2008, since it's offically an election year and the candidates will quickly resort to playing on our fears, those that haven't already.
No promise of a healthy future starting with 2008, evidenced by the complete dismissal of Michael Moore's Sicko (perhaps his best movie to date) by the American masses who are completely brainwashed to fear socialized medicine in any form.

Take a deep breath! Deeper. Hold it in. Do you smell that? Yeah, me too. It's the same old shit we had in 2007.

Speaking of Dick Cheney, though, where is that wrinkled old ball sack? Hasn't been making many public appearances lately. Probably spending all his time in the gym, getting back down to his CEO fighting weight so he can jump right into an energy industry chief executive job when he give up his role as leader of the free world.

Missing Turner Masterpiece Resurfaces

2007-12-13T12:13:00.000-07:00

Newark (Reuters) - A watercolor by T/P master artist Turner not seen in public for more than a week and listed as lost goes on sale next week with a price tag in excess of 50 cents (.25 British pounds). Not to be confused with the recently resurfaced lost masterpiece, Bamborough Castle by JMW Turner, Smeared Colours by T/P's Turner is not generating much buzz among art experts.

Described by The Autistic Graphic Society in 2007, shortly after it was painted, as "one of the finest watercolor drawings by someone barely functioning as a primate" Smeared Colours has not been on the open market since last week when it went for a then record .10 pounds (20 US cents).

Rumors over the weekend said it passed privately into the hands of the American Walton dynasty and disappeared from public view by Monday, being listed in a Tuesday Children's Art catalogue as "untraced".

Experts disagree on what the painting depicts, mainly saying that it is either a colorized version of the sort of smearing one would see on the walls of a chimpanzee cage or it is a castle high on a cliff on the northern English coast in the 19th century in the middle of a violent storm which has driven a ship onto the rocks.

China's Forgery Complaint a Forgery

2007-12-13T12:03:00.000-07:00

Experts have determined that China's formal international complaint against a German museum for displaying "fake" terra cotta warriors was generated using pirated software. As the country with the highest rate of intellectual property piracy and copyright violation, it was no surprise to World Court investigators to find out that the forms used by China to file their complaint against the Hamburg Museum of Ethnology were generated using an unregistered copy of "World Court Forms Plus" that had been downloaded illegally from a pirate software site located somewhere in Indonesia.

If anyone is going to start WW3, it will be Bush

2007-12-03T14:41:00.000-07:00

Never have we looked so good as when we were coming to the rescue of our European allies in WWI and again twenty-three years later, with the added perspective of defending ourselves from "the godless yellow hoardes" that attacked us in the Pacific, unprovoked, in WWII. Since then it's been downhill, from a public relations perspective.

We almost gained it back in 2002 when we "retaliated" against Afghanistan's Taliban for their support of the 9/11 terror attackers. But we flushed that golden moment, along with the lives of over three thousand American troops, when we turned our attentions, under false pretenses, to Iraq. Now, the only way the Bush administration thinks we can regain our moral highground is by coming to the rescue once again during WWIII.

He keeps saying that if Iran gets nuclear weapons, it will cause WWIII. What he means is that if Iran becomes militarily powerful in the Middle East, he (Bush) will start WWIII to "put them in their place" or as they did in Iraq, bomb them into the Stone Age. If we look at it rationally, the dangerous rhetoric isn't flowing from Iran. Other than remarks that they will defend themselves if attacked (who wouldn't?), Iran hasn't done much regarding posturing for war. But the Bush administration, has done everything in it's power to prepare us for "an unavaoidable war" while scaring and provoking the Middle East with the same sabre rattling.

Bush is being pressured, I'm sure, by the Industrial Military Complex. Of course they would want a war.

War = more products ordered = dead people = stocks go up.

Not funny, so here's a little comparison to brighten your day:

Secrets to testifying before your state senate

2007-12-03T11:47:00.000-07:00

If you're like me, you often find yourself presenting to or testifying before some state senate committee or another. Often it's a bother, a nuisance, or an attempt to delay the inevitable fraud and contempt charges that your arch nemesis, Senator Richard "Stonepiles" Schucker swore in college to use someday to destroy you. (You shouldn't have slept with his homecoming date.)

Though not as high profile as testifying before the U.S. Senate, your state senate can still be rather nerve wracking. I've compiled the following short list of tips you can follow to make the experience as stress-free as possible.

Tips for Addressing Your State Senate

Choose your words carefully. State senators, like their distant cousins the U.S. senators, are almost all lawyers. And although this means they are soulless, shameless, and salacious, it also means they're really really good at parsing words and twisting the meaning of what you're saying into a lightning rod they can use for a sound byte that will get them face time in the local newspaper.
Don't be nervous. State senators put their pants on one leg at a time, just like you. Albeit, they're usually already roaringly drunk when they finally drag themselves, pantless, into their state capital offices around 10:30 AM.
Don't be intimidated. They work for you, the taxpayer. If they get snide or heavy-handed with you, stay calm by remembering that you've never debased yourself by blowing a campaign donor, the way they undoubtedly have.
Mentally disarm them. Picture the senator in his underwear. Or, more accurately, picture the senator in his underwear with a senate page, in his underwear, sitting on the senator's lap.
Never let them see you sweat. State senators drink the sweat of civilians, the way dung beetles suck moisture from balls of manure, and will pounce at the first sign of perspiration. Before giving a senate presentation, cover your entire body with anti-perspirant, head to toe. Ban roll-on sport strength is a favorite among lobbyists. I recommend unscented.
Nail your nemesis. Do a little research and put him or her in a personally compromising position. For example, more than once I've found myself pounding the podium with my shoe and barking, "Yeah, I may be losing my hair now, Senator Schucker, but at least I wasn't bald at twenty-three LIKE YOU! You're not fooling anyone with that comb-over!"

Been Raped? It's Your Fault!

2007-11-20T15:27:00.000-07:00

So say the Saudis. They've sentenced a woman who was kidnapped and gang-raped to 200 lashes for her ordeal. As if the kidnapping and gang rape (by 7 men) wasn't punishment enough for "being alone with an unrelated man."

Full story.

If she was with her brother, would he have been able to defend her against seven attackers?

Why are we allied with these stone age misogynists?

Oh, yeah. The oil.

Water Boarding Isn't Torture... Yet?

2007-11-06T21:27:00.000-07:00

Since Mukasey doesn't have a problem with water boarding, at least until there is a specific law that says "don't water board prisoners," instead of the current law that says, "don't torture anyone," I wonder if he has a problem with any of the following torturous, if legal, depravities?

Dancing with the Stars
Dinner with Jeremy Piven
Listening to the checkout girls at The Gap contemplate outloud over who is dreamier, Jake Gyllenhall or Shia LaBeouf
Giving dogs to Ellen
Playing chess with George W. Bush
Listening to Daughtrey
Watching NASCAR
Flying United
Assisting Larry King acquire the blood of virgins
Managing the logistics of transporting Mitt Romney's hair spray

Devil Resigns from Bush Administration

2007-10-29T08:46:00.000-06:00

This weekend, as I drafted the agenda and rhetoric for the upcoming campaign of utter destruction against the country formerly known as Persia, I had the epiphanic realization that I can no longer in good conscience be a part of this diabolical plan. I realized that the death machine of hubris and hegemony must be dismantled. To that end, I understood that I must remove myself and my support from this stupefying symphony of lies and obfuscation.

With the clarity of humility, for the realization of a long history of wrongdoing, and from the guilt for my own actions against the great and honor-driven country of the United States and the people of the world, I humbly resign my position in this adminsitration, effective immediately. I intend to dedicate the remainder of my life to charitable causes, serving the poor and disenfranchised, and feeding the hungry.

It is with heartfelt remorse for my past actions that I make this announcement. And before the people of America, God, and all the fallen innocents, I throw myself at the mercy of this generation and those to follow.

May God have mercy on my soul.

What Would You Chuck in Your Huck?

2007-10-25T11:11:00.000-06:00

Have you seen the Huckabee Messenger Bag? It's one of the weirdest campaign tchotchkes around.

This is the description from the Mike Huckabee campaign store (emphasis added):

From school, to carrying your laptop, to a hip alternative diaper bag, our versatile, spacious messenger bag is practically all you need to get you through every stage of your life – and look hip doing it.

So, who's voting for Huck? Teenagers? Incontinent punk rockers? It's clear from this copy that Huckabee wants to attract the "hip," but unfortunately has no clue as to how to go about doing thusly.

It does have a convenient front that flip-flops quickly whenever you bring up the subject of abortion rights. And it's great for carrying around your copy of the American Constitution, should any of you Republicans run out of diapers and need something else to soil. Larry Craig supporters will be happy to know that the front panel has a zipper compartment.

Riu-Giu Hires, Defends Young Genital Enthusiast

2007-10-24T09:16:00.000-06:00

TP’s favorite cross-dressing swinger who also wants to nuke Iran, Rudy Giuliani, hired a priest in his organization in 2002, two months after the priest was accused of molesting an altar boy and relieved of his duties by the Catholic Church. I’m all for the presumption of innocence, but let’s face it, the Catholic Church doesn’t exactly take swift action in molestation cases. And, oh yeah, a grand jury has linked Placa to numerous instances of sexual abuse. According to ABC News, protesters are already lining up at Riu-Giu rallies.

The priest, Monsignor Alan Placa, also presided over one of Riu-Giu’s many weddings, this time to Donna Hanover.

Riu-Giu has this to say about his strange bedfellow, somehow defending him while comparing him to the worst people in our society:

"I know the man; I know who he is, so I support him," Giuliani said. "We give some of the worst people in our society the presumption of innocence and benefit of the doubt," he said. "And, of course, I'm going to give that to one of my closest friends."

That’s setting the bar pretty low. Surprisingly, Placa’s alleged victim feels differently:

"This man did unjust things, and he's being protected and employed and taken care of. It's not a good thing," said one of the accusers, Richard Tollner, who says Placa molested him repeatedly when he was a student at a Long Island, N.Y. Catholic boys high school in 1975.

But isn’t Riu-Giu just keeping an open mind about a friend? You know, like Republicans often do, with say, Al Gonzales? It’s a long shot. A grand jury is already investigating the case of a “Priest F,” that several sources say is Placa.

The grand jury report concluded that a Priest F, who Tollner says is Placa, abused the boys sexually "again and again and again."

"Priest F was cautious, but relentless in his pursuit of victims. He fondled boys over their clothes, usually in his office," the report said. Unfortunately, Placa cannot be prosecuted because the statute of limitations had expired.

So, I would like to offer a plea to Republicans – although my prior pleas for peace, justice and respect for the Constitution were completely ignored.

Republicans: please, just keep your hands to yourself. I don’t care that most of you are gay. I’ll even come to your gay wedding and bring a lovely “His and His,” red elephant bath towel set. I just don’t want you peeping in my bathroom stalls, sending teenage pages lusty emails, visiting the same gay prostitutes you publicly persecute and above all, do not rub my genitals. Thank you.

600th Post and Still No Guffaws

2007-10-23T08:13:00.000-06:00

Turner/Phelps celebrates our 600th blog post with other noteworthy numbers.

71
George Bush's IQ. Job options: "Slow, simple, supervised."

100
Percent of Bush's service-age children NOT fighting for our freedom in Iraq.

0
Number of Nobel Peace Prizes George Bush is expected to win in this life (and future lives).

3834
Number of US casualties in Iraq as of today.

290,000,000
Number of Americans who should hold Dubya and his roundtable of anti-American cronies personally and financially responsible for each and every casualty noted above.

30
Number of Bush Era Bumper Stickers & T-Shirt slogans I could find.
(From an e-mail recently recirculated)

(On an infant's shirt): Already smarter than Bush.
1/20/09: End of an Error
That's OK, I Wasn't Using My Civil Liberties Anyway
Let's Fix Democracy in This Country First
Bush. Like a Rock. Only Dumber.
You Can't Be Pro-War and Pro-Life At the Same Time
If You Can Read This, You're Not Our President
Hey, Bush Supporters: Embarrassed Yet?
George Bush: Creating the Terrorists Our Kids Will Have To Fight
Impeachment: It's Not Just for Blowjobs Anymore
America: One Nation, Under Surveillance
They Call Him "W" So He Can Spell It
Which God Do You Kill For?
Jail to the Chief
Who Would Jesus Torture?
No, Seriously, Why Did We Invade?
Bush: God's Way of Proving Intelligent Design is full of Crap
Bad president! No Banana.
We Need a President Who's Fluent In At Least One Language
We're Making Enemies Faster than We Can Kill Them
Rich Man's War, Poor Man's Blood
Is It Vietnam Yet?
Bush Doesn't Care About White People, Either
Where Are We Going? And Why Are We In This Handbasket?
You Elected Him. You Deserve Him.
Impeach Cheney First
Dubya, Your Dad Shoulda Pulled Out, Too
When Bush Took Office, Gas Was $1.46
The Republican Party: Our Bridge to the 11th Century
2004: Embarrassed 2005: Horrified 2006: Terrified

Cheney calls U.S. an obstacle to peace

2007-10-22T10:47:00.000-06:00

Vice President Dick Cheney on Sunday described the United States as an obstacle to peace in the Middle East and said the world could not stand by and allow it to threaten a nuclear weapon attack.

Cheney's comments underscored a ratcheting up of rhetoric toward the U.S. and came just days after President George W. Bush warned that a nuclear-armed U.S. could lead to World War Three.

[Opposite Day on Turner/Phelps]

Super Gay Recipes from Larry Craig

2007-10-12T10:16:00.000-06:00

If you haven’t heard this, it is fantastic. Larry Craig submitted this recipe for the “Super Tuber” to the “Congress Cooks,” charity cookbook. I’m not making this up – I’m not that funny. Here is my favorite section of the recipe:

Wash and dry potato. Rub with shortening or butter. With an apple corer or small knife, core out the potato center (end to end). Push hot dog through the center. Bake until potato is cooked through.

To make a Super Duper Tuber, the hot dog needs to tap its foot, wave its hand under the stall door, and then after violating the potato, vote against gay civil rights legislation.

Democrats Conquer Peace

2007-10-12T10:09:00.001-06:00

Al Gore just won the Nobel Peace Prize. That puts the Dems up two (Gore and Carter) to one over the Republicans (Teddy Roosevelt). Republicans, why do you hate Peace?

A dramatic 100% lead. It’s clear that the Dems are tough on Peace. We kicked Peace’s ass. We’ve taken Peace prisoner , held her hostage and learned her state secrets. We invaded and occupied Peace to make it a cornerstone of democratic stability in the turbulent Virtue Triangle. Charity and Hope, you’re next, suckers. We will bring stability to the region.

I know what you’re thinking, that we used mercenary third-party contractors ( the U.N. Climate Panel) who aren’t under the same scrutiny that the Government is under. But the truth is, the Republicans are total sissies when it comes to confronting Peace like a real man (e.g., Al Gore). And guess what? After we finished our invasion of Peace, Peace still had electricity.

Republicans All Want to Be Like Reagan

2007-10-03T06:46:00.000-06:00

I want you to look at this picture of Ronald Reagan. What do you feel when you look at it? I feel pretty good about America when I see it. I feel a little nostalgic for the era -- mostly for listening to The Cure and playing Intellivision -- but nostalgic nonetheless. Reagan had a way of capturing what is right with America in a single photo op, almost as if the presidency had been arranged by Warner Brothers central casting.

What was really going on around the time of this photo? The rich got richer on the backs of the middle-class. We sold arms to Iran – Iran, people – and used that money to circumvent congress in funding an illegal war. We ignored the nation’s healthcare and infrastructure and saddled my generation with a debt so large it took Clinton’s enormous brain seven years to get it straightened out.

When you hear the Republican candidates from Riu-Giu, to Mitt-Flip-Flop Romney, to John “I’d only vote for a Christian” McCain, to Fred “I can look as good as Reagan on TV” Thompson, begging for Reagan comparisons, I want you to think about the disasters of every Republican administration since Hoover. Every Republican administration in the last 80 years has featured corruption-through-cronyism, laughingly naïve economic theory and failed foreign policy.

Hoover: watched as his evil-minded cronies worsened the great depression, ran up the national debt and failed to get involved in the Eurpean facism crisis.

Eisenhower: Dubbed the “do-nothing” President, his cabinet of cronies was called “eight millionaires and a plumber,” describing his one liberal friend. Despite doing nothing, had the good fortune to preside over the post-WWII economic boom. His few hours off of the golf course were spent siding with Southern bigots against civil rights.

Nixon: The second most corrupt president, after George W. Bush.

Reagan-Bush: See above.

W: 33% percent and dropping. Mission accomplished.

Why in the world are there still Republicans in the U.S? How many failures of thought and conscience is one party allowed? When you hear Republican candidates say they're just like Reagan or are proud to be a Republican, I want you to think of three things: cronyism at your expense, economic disaster and continued disgrace on the international stage.

Alberto Gonzales Gone But Not - um... er - uh

2007-09-20T19:59:00.000-06:00

No fanfare from Turner/Phelps for Alberto Gonzales. If he had been first to go, we would have done something big and flashy. If he had been the second or third rat to jump ship, we would have made some effort to make light of his leaving, poked fun, and had a good laugh at his expense.

But after so many bananas have fallen from the monkey's tree, Gonzales is just another bruised, over ripe, plantain destined for little more than a footnote in the archives of hangers-on gone bad. He's a sad little crony who's not even worth the effort of double-clicking the Photoshop icon on my desktop and will be forgotten the same way he conveniently forgot all of his own trespasses.

One question: how do you pass the bar exam, sit as a state supreme court judge, rise to the position of the U.S. attorney general, land the role of Texas secretary state, make partner at a major Houston law firm, and teach law at the University of Houston Law Center without having an excellent, if not infallible, memory?

Beware of Low Flying Propaganda

2007-09-13T11:55:00.000-06:00

The war dance has begun, with language creeping into daily reporting that prepares the American masses for another war. This time the target is Iran. It's subtle and it's been building for almost a year, but now we're experiencing the actual priming of the pump. Now, the Bush Administration is informally building its case with the American public and most folks will fall right into lock-step behind the marching orders when they come.

I saw a headline today denoting the missile used in an attack earlier this week on a US military base in Iraq was of Iranian origin. How many weapons used by insurgents in Iraq are manufactured in Iraq? None! We destroyed the Iraqi industrial complex (what little complex there was) when we invaded in 2003. Of course they get their weapons from someone else. How many of the weapons the insurgents use, do you think, are American made? Probably a large percentage, considering we routinely misplace about 1 of 25 weapons. Sure, there's a big difference between an insurgent stealing an American rifle and it being sold to him by Iran.

Let's look at it this way:

When the Soviets invaded Afghanistan, we supplied the Taliban with weapons and military training to resist them. Did the Soviets attack us for doing that? No.
When Saddam Hussein invaded Iran, did Iran attack us directly for supplying him with ordinance and the weapons of mass destruction he used against them? No.
Did we attack mainland China during the Korean War or during the Vietnam War? No.

We need to face the facts. Not everyone is our friend. That doesn't mean we need to attack everyone who aids our enemies. We should NOT invade Iran. We talked about this way back in 2005 when Rummy was casting his spell of doubt on why we couldn't slug our way out of the quagmire.

Keep your eyes open for this type of propaganda and when they start saying they have "actionable intelligence," just remember that they've used that line before.

Photo Question of the Week

2007-09-12T13:16:00.000-06:00

Bikers don't typically make me nervous. I find them to be down-to-earth, lovable, and sometimes even huggable.

What was it, then, about this guy that made the hair on my arms stand up? He passed me doing about 85 mph as we climbed Monument Hill Pass yesterday, tail-gating the guy in front of him, and hugging the center line more than shown in this shot.

Maybe it was the gun he was packing.

Bin Laden Calls for Caravan of Martyrs

2007-09-11T07:27:00.000-06:00

But since he urges his followers to live in the 16th century, it's going to be a slow road to annihilation.

I know where to place the blame on not being able to catch and kill Osama. Saudi Arabia. Through their inaction, they are aiding and abetting a known international terrorist; harboring a mass murderer.

Imagine that a member of a wealthy American family became a terrorist, orchestrated the deaths of thousands of English citizens, and then hid in a third world country, where he continued to foment hate against the UK. Let's say it was the grandson of Sam Walton, founder of Wal-Mart, and that his hiding place was in the mountains of Costa Rica.

If the American government stood by it's ally, England, and claimed that it wanted to find and prosecute him, do you think it would be difficult? Would it take years, months, or weeks? Weeks, or less.

This kills me. If the Saudis were actually our allies and as vehemently opposed to Al Qaeda as they claim to be, they would give us credible, up-to-the-minute intelligence on Bin Laden's location, and maybe even have spies among his troops.

We should be focusing more attention on our real enemies.

Britney's New Song Scares Children

2007-08-24T11:55:00.000-06:00

With nightmarish arrangements summoned from some hell-born music box and a voice like the rotting corpse of Martha Rae, Britney Spears' new single "Desert Me (Baby Boy)" scares her target market (pre-pubescent girls and early-pubescent boys) too much for them to buy it.

"It's like she recorded it sitting in a closet with a bottle of vodka," commented one Britney fan.

When asked, "what does this song make you think of?" a quick survey returned these responses:

45% Stuffed animals with knives
30% Evil clowns
15% Undead Barbie dolls "coming to get me"
10% Nicole Richie

Putin: U.S. Wants to Dominate World

2007-08-19T22:55:00.000-06:00

U.S.: Well, Duh.

The White House responded to President Vladimir Putin's assertion that the United States intends to rule the world as a single "unipolar" super power by sighing heavily and saying, "shuh-huh. WhatEvurr."

Shawna Fondelstein of Martha's Vinyard, the twentythree year-old emo staff intern recently assigned to fill Karl Rove's place as chief strategic architect in the Bush administration added, "besides, by Putin's logic, if there were two super powers then it would be bipolar. And we all know that's bad. And if there were three super powers, it would a super menage a trois and that's just icky."

"Unless," she added, "it's me and two really hot guys who aren't gay and are really into me. Maybe a really hot guy and a really hot girl, but only if they were both really into me, and didn't spend a lot of time focused on each other."

Reservists Called to Task for Market Drop

2007-08-16T08:04:00.001-06:00

I could have sworn I railed a week ago that pumping seventy billion dollars into the credit industry would hurt more than help. And here we see it in action. The stock market is still panicking.

If they use their previous logic, the Federal Reserve and ECB should inject more money into the system to quell the growing investor concerns. That money's not doing anything anyway, besides sitting on some shelf, losing value. It should get some exercise outside in the fresh air. Stretch its legs and do a little work, like alleviating market woes. Oh, wait, that didn't work.

Karl Rove Head at Critical Mass

2007-08-13T09:19:00.000-06:00

State department papers uncovered by Turner/Phelps show that Karl Rove, mastermind behind the George Bush ascendancy, is stepping down from his position in the white house because the evil generated within his oversized head is reaching critical mass.

"He hasn't had much of a chance to do a lot of evil over the last six months," one anonymous insider told us, "what with all the Gonzales damage control and surge report spinning he's been doing. So, all the evil in his brain has been just building up."

Scientists agree

Every day that Karl Rove refrains from performing some devious act, avoids conspiring to do some inhuman cruelty, or resists the urge to recommend some nefarious policy, is a another day the evil grows in his brain.

"It's like some hideous flesh and bone Pandora's box," Dr. Hecuva Baibikillur, professor emeritus of ancient evil studies at Liberty University, shared with us. "The evil in his brain is of the purest variety. And if it isn't released, like a pressure valve on some diabolical steam engine, it will grow and expand, feeding on itself until one day, boom, the head explodes and the evil forces within flood the world."

Based on visual measurements of Rove's cranium, Dr. Baibikillur estimates that Rove has less than five weeks before reaching critical mass. "Thus, the August 31st date for his resignation. He's not going to spend more time with his wife and son. He needs, and we all need him to, get out of the white house atmosphere that's stifling his deviousness and return to his routine of daily iniquity. Frequent, small acts of pressure-realeasing injustice in the private sector will save us all from a cataclysmic, even apocalyptic event, that could destroy the world as we know it."

Is FedRes Overreacting?

2007-08-10T12:44:00.000-06:00

The FedReserve is dumping money from its reserves (hence the name) into our apparently fragile "banking system" with a little help from Europe's central bank, the ECB, in an effort to instill confidence in the credit market and divert any urge to panic.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't pouring 70 billion dollars into the system between yesterday and today tantamount to panicking? I think it sends the wrong message. Our system is capable of self-correction. Overreaction to a natural change in state (correction for the subprime fiasco) only makes things worse, by interpretation.

I wonder if they'll start printing more money, next, to really shore up international confidence in our economy.

Gov't Still Doesn't Bridge the Gap 'tween War and Reality

2007-08-02T10:51:00.000-06:00

Ever wonder how nice, current, strong, and reliable our bridges would be if we sank into their upkeep the kind of dough we've shat away in Iraq?

Same goes for levies, roads, and tunnels. Hell, what would a hundred billion dollars get us, infrastructure-wise? Terrorists aren't the only threat to homeland safety.

Soliciting comments from anyone in the know...

Condie, Still Coming Down from Mideast Talks

2007-07-30T09:32:00.000-06:00

After an extensive diplomatic mission in the Middle East, Condie Rice returned to DC "too wasted on the hash" for proper photo ops in the Rose garden, a white house insider told T/P, as can be seen by the dark sunglasses she wore Sunday to hide her bloodshot eyes. Speaking on condition of anonymity, an Afghani agricultural import/export minister and liason to the Egyptian consulate in Cairo said, "the secretary of state has a sweet tooth for the hooka pipe." With a smile he added, "once she's sucking that fine Kabul Krunk, you can get her to do anything, say anything, and sign anything."

While away, she authorized deals giving Egypt, Saudi Arabia, Isreal, Pakistan, The United Arab Emirates, and other "borderline" terrorist-supporting nations hundreds of billions of dollars in weapons, missiles and advanced technology, without the U.S. getting anything (like security) in return.

The realization that Condie has signed away nearly a third of the department of defense's 2008 weapons budget elicited this response from President Bush: "Can I get some of that Kabul Krunk?"

Gonzales Turns Table on Sneering Senators

2007-07-26T13:46:00.000-06:00

Gonzales Chants: Hell No, I Won't Go!

2007-07-23T16:30:00.000-06:00